I Thought I Saw Your Face Today
by musiksnob
Summary: Eli and Clare are happy together but when Fitz returns, Eli has to face some of his past demons. Eclare. Now complete.
1. Just Like Heaven

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or the Cure or She and Him.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob - see profile for link and protected tweet explanation**

**Well, I know I always write oneshots, but with the promos resonating in my head, I've come up with a real multi-chaptered fic that covers my ideas for what COULD happen this season (plus a little bit of sexitimes because that's always fun). **

**I'm hoping this thing doesn't kill me and that it doesn't end up being 20 chapters long, but I do like to ramble. I apologize in advance for any similarities to other fics or Degrassi theories; I know a lot of us are thinking about some of the same things right now. I think this will have a few unique ideas in it, so I hope you enjoy it.**

**This is dedicated to AlbatrossTam14 who helped me focus my thoughts a bit and is one of the best writers I know. Make sure you read her fics. She is in my favorite authors as ArentYouSophiaLoren-8887.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 1

"Come on, Clare. I've already thrown out ten things," Eli said, giving me puppy dog eyes. We had made a deal that whenever we worked on his room if he threw out ten things, we'd take a ten minute kissing break. Which usually turned into a 30 minute kissing break.

"You threw out eight newspapers, but since they are all from the same day, that only counts as one."

"Harsh," he said, picking through a pile of dirty, old clothes.

"How did you even get those?"

He laughed. "Our paperboy is really lazy and we're the last street on his route. Sometimes he just throws them all on our lawn."

I groaned. "Great. Just what you need."

He pulled my hand so that I landed on my back on the pile of clothes. "Ouch!" Something sharp was stabbing me in the back. I sat up to alleviate the pain, rubbing my back.

"You okay?" he asked with a look of concern. I nodded and he gave me a quick kiss. "And anyway, I've been doing a lot better. You know that."

He was doing a lot better. His therapist had really done a great job of helping him see that keeping everything was hurting him more than helping him. That didn't mean most of our cleaning sessions weren't a struggle, but we had been working for thirty minutes and Eli hadn't had a meltdown. In fact, he even had a smile on his face.

"You're in a good mood today."

He grinned. "That's because I have a beautiful girl in my room."

"You usually have a beautiful girl in your room when you're cleaning it, and you're never this happy."

"Well, I got an A on my short story for Dawes, it's Friday so I have the whole weekend ahead of me, and your parents are going away so I can spend the whole weekend kissing you."

My parents had agreed to go on a last ditch church sponsored marriage counseling weekend at the urging of our pastor. I was pretty sure the divorce papers were already waiting on my dad's desk to be signed, but I guess they wanted to show Pastor Tom that they were trying to make things work, even though they weren't at all.

I blushed at the thought of Eli spending the night at my house, kissing me. "Not the whole weekend. I have to work on my science project."

He grinned. "But I can come over tomorrow, right?"

"I don't know." I grinned wickedly. "You promised me a driving lesson and I've been waiting for weeks. Maybe you'll need to fulfill your promise before I'll let you in." Eli raised his eyebrows and I realized what that sounded like. "To my house! You're so gross."

"You love it," he said, leaning over and kissing me.

I flinched a little at the sound of the l word. We hadn't officially exchanged I love yous although we had both sort of alluded to it. I had never said that before; I certainly wasn't in love K.C. but I was definitely falling hard for Eli.

His kiss was brief and I was the one who wrapped my arms around him and deepened it. I could feel him smiling against my lips and as our kiss grew more passionate.

His hands found my waist and we slowly moved until I was lying on my back with him on top of me.

"Ouch!" I had forgotten about the sharp object buried underneath his clothes.

Eli helped me up and started digging through his clothes for the offending object. He pulled out a CD with a cracked case that must have been the culprit and his eyes lit up. "The Cure: Greatest Hits! I've been looking for this."

I stared at him blankly.

"Just Like Heaven? Friday I'm in Love?"

I shrugged. "You know, if you got rid of more stuff, maybe you'd find more of the things you've been looking for." He just ignored me and ran over to his laptop and stuck the CD in. He changed the track and ran back over to me, taking my hands in his and twirling me around in time to the music.

I giggled as he dipped me, his arm supporting my lower back, as he started to sing along with the song. "Show me, show me, show me, how you do that trick. The one that makes me scream, she said. The one that makes me laugh, she said, and threw her arms around my neck. Show me how you do it, and I promise you, I promise that I'll run away with you."

He looked deep into my eyes as he sang; his voice was incredible and I couldn't believe I had never heard it before. As he continued I felt relieved that he didn't sing "Friday I'm in Love" because I didn't think I'd be able to handle him singing a romantic song to me.

By the time the song ended he had danced me over to the bed and lay me down, his body leaning over mine. I don't know if he had intended his song as a seduction technique, but it was very effective.

"I didn't know you could sing," I said in between kisses.

"There's a lot you don't know about me," he growled, capturing my lips again.

A thought came to my mind and I pushed him off me. "You need to join the drama club."

Eli groaned. "Clare." He tried to climb back on top of me, but I placed a hand on his chest to still him.

"We're doing Grease this semester and tryouts start this week. You would make a perfect Danny, and we can never get enough boys who can sing. Sav said with student council he doesn't have time for the play this year and Peter graduated so the lead role is wide open."

"You know I'm not a joiner, Clare."

"But think of all the time you could spend with me. Backstage." I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "If there's a Saturday rehearsal we could sneak out for a few minutes and fulfill your biggest fantasy."

His eyes widened. "You're going to have sex with me in the girls' locker room?"

Oh, Eli. "We could make out in the girls' locker room."

His whole face lit up. "In the shower?"

"No!" I slapped his arm lightly and he grinned at me.

"Worth a try."

"So will you do it?" I asked.

"I'll think about it. I like singing but I don't really like being on stage. But if it will make you want to do dirty things to me, I'll consider it."

If Eli only knew the things he made me want to do. I brought my hand up to his cheek, partly because I wanted to touch him and partly because I wanted to see my purity ring to help me remember all the stuff I wasn't supposed to be doing with him. He'd been really patient in the few months we'd been dating, but I knew it wasn't him that was going to be the problem. It was me and my stupid hormones.

It was the same stupid hormones that made me kiss Eli more aggressively than I ever had before, wrapping my leg around him and flipping us over so that I was on top of him. His hand moved down to my ass as I bit his neck. Our kissing escalated to the point where all I wanted was something more.

But unfortunately, when Eli had tried to put his hands up my shirt about a month ago, I had turned him down when my nerves got the best of me. He had been a perfect gentleman since, but I was definitely at the point where I didn't want him to be. I held myself up over him, practically dangling my breasts in his face, but while his eyes immediately jumped to them, his hands stayed firmly around my waist.

I was too shy to take my shirt off; I just wanted him to touch me without seeing, but I couldn't figure out how to give him the message. I certainly couldn't tell him, but if thrusting against him while we kissed furiously wasn't giving him the message, I was going to have to do something.

"Eli," I whimpered as he sucked on my pulse point. He grinned against my neck and I wrapped my fingers around the hair at the back of his neck. "I want you."

Eli pulled back in shock and my face turned bright red. That wasn't exactly what I meant to say. "What do you mean by that?"

I didn't say anything and Eli entwined his fingers with mine. "Clare, I know you don't want to have sex with me. But you must have said that for a reason."

I tried to put on a brave face. "Maybe we could take this just a little farther," I said softly.

I was still on top of him and his eyes immediately fell to my chest. "We can do whatever you want," he said. I squeezed his hand but didn't move. "Just tell me when you want me to stop."

He placed one my hand on my clothed breast and placed the other at the small of my back, pushing the fabric up just enough that it could rest against my skin. "Mmm, Eli," I moaned. I couldn't believe how good his simple touch could make me feel.

He must have taken that as a sign of encouragement, because the intensity ratcheted up immediately. His kisses grew deeper until he was practically swallowing me whole, and I matched his every move, doing some exploring of my own underneath his t-shirt. Before long both of his hands were underneath my bra, and I sat up, straddling him and tore my shirt over my head. His nimble fingers had my bra unhooked in seconds and before I knew it, Eli was holding my naked breasts in his hands and I was holding my breath, trying not to call out his name in ecstasy.

I thought I'd be embarrassed when he saw me like this for the first time, but he gazed at me with such lust and adoration that I couldn't help but feel pleased.

"Clare," he breathed. His mouth enveloped my nipple and I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.

A knocking sound interrupted us. "Eli," Cece called through the door, jarring me out of my haze. I tried to jump off the bed but he held me down so I only managed to lie down next to him.

"Mom, I'm a little busy," he said, his voice strained.

"I just wanted to invite Clare to stay for dinner. I made vegetable lasagna and there's always more than enough."

Eli poked me and I stuttered out a response. "Sssure. That sounds great."

I could hear Cece laughing as she walked away.

I covered my face with my hands and Eli laughed, wrapping his arms around my waist and resting his head on my bare chest. "The door was unlocked," I hissed. "She could have walked in."

"She never comes in unless I tell her it's okay." I raised my eyebrows. "Trust me. She'll never make that mistake again."

I smirked at Eli's pained look. "She walked in on you having sex?"

"Of a sort." My confusion must have been evident because he explained, "I was alone at the time."

"Oh," I said, a little embarrassed.

He smiled and buried his face in my cleavage, planting a few soft kisses. "I can't even believe how beautiful you are. You're perfect, inside and out."

"Eli," I said, blushing. He was so sweet, but obviously he was exaggerating.

I met his eyes and I could see a little bit of sadness lurking below the surface. "Sometimes I worry that you're going to wake up one morning and realize what a screw up I am."

I brushed his hair out of his eyes and forced him to look at me. "You're not a screw up. And I'm not perfect. We're just…us."

"Promise me you won't leave me," he said, his voice desperate.

I took his face in my hands. "I'm not going anywhere." I sealed the promise with a soft kiss.


	2. I Just Threw Out the Love of My Dreams

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed chapter 1. I'm really excited about this story so I'm glad you're enjoying it, even if it's not the most original thing.**

**Two things I forgot to mention last time:**

**Although the story is based on my ideas of what will happen based on the promos, I will not be covering all of the storylines in it. Although I am very intrigued by the Fadam storyline, I just don't have enough time to write it into this story, and the same goes for Alli disappearing. I just don't have enough time to write the 40 chapter story I would need to to cover those well.  
**

**Also, this story will have a plotline that may potentially be upsetting to people who have bad past experiences. I'll try to handle it tastefully, but you may need to tread carefully. I don't want to ruin it by explaining, but don't worry, Clare will not get pregnant. Or kidnapped. Or raped by Fitz. Or cut herself.**

**Many thanks to AlbatrossTam14 for her thoughts and to my twitter friends for their love and amusing conversations. (I used to not even write author notes, so now this is getting ridiculous - stopping now.)  
**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 2:

"Eli, hand the keys over," Clare said, crossing her arms over her chest, as we exited her house.

"I'm not sure you're ready yet," I teased. "Maybe I should drive until we get to the parking lot. I'm not sure I'm ready to let you loose on the main streets behind the wheel of my baby."

"Fine. But then I get a full hour of driving time, and I get to drive us home afterwards."

"Deal," I said. I got behind the wheel of Morty and took off for Degrassi. I figured the parking lot would be pretty empty since it was Saturday.

I liked how Clare said she would be driving us _home_. As in, back to her house where her parents were out for the night. I knew we weren't going to have sex, but this would be the first time we were going to sleep together and I was really excited at the thought even though I knew I was going to end up with a massive case of blue balls.

I snuck at a glance at her when I stopped at a red light. She had on a denim jacket over a pink, flowery blouse that was a little too buttoned up. I missed those dresses she used to wear that were pretty modest overall, but showed just a bit of cleavage. An image of Clare straddling me topless popped into my head. I couldn't believe she let me take her clothes off and touch her and that she was the one who suggested it. I was looking forward to seeing if she'd suggest anything else.

"Eli!" she said loudly and I realized the light had turned green. I stepped on the gas. "And you're telling me I'm the unsafe driver? You can't even keep your eyes on the road."

"Sorry, I was a little…" I grinned, "distracted."

"Distracted?" Clare said sarcastically. "By what exactly?" She asked the question in a way that told me she knew exactly what my answer would be.

"Oh, I was just thinking about you…and what we did yesterday."

I could see Clare's cheeks flushing from the corner of my eye. "You mean, throwing out all your newspapers before you serenaded me?"

"Or the part where you took your shirt off and moaned my name while I groped you."

"Eli!" She was so easy to tease.

I pulled into the Degrassi parking lot. "Okay, Clare, we're here." I shut off Morty's engine and passed her the keys.

"There are a lot more cars here than I expected. And people walking around."

I squeezed her hand. "You're going to be fine. Just drive slowly."

"Maybe I should wait for my dad. His car is a lot smaller than this. And I'm not even supposed to be driving with you anyway. You haven't had a license long enough."

"Clare, you've been begging me to teach you to drive for weeks. Don't wimp out on me."

For a girl who had such convictions in certain parts of her life, it wasn't too hard to challenge Clare to do something she didn't want to. "Fine." She slammed the passenger side door and came around. I hugged her before sliding over to the passenger side.

"So you know which one is the gas and which one is the brake, right?"

"Eli, come on."

"Fine, I won't tell you anything. You just drive."

Clare bit her lip. "Okay….seatbelt…mirrors…ignition….brake…gear…" Clare took her foot off the break and we started moving forward slightly. "Eek!" she shrieked and slammed on the brake. I was glad I was wearing my seatbelt since I probably only narrowly avoided a severe case of whiplash.

"You know the car is supposed to move forward? That wasn't a mistake."

Clare took a deep breath and removed her foot once more. This time when the car moved a little she put pressure on the gas pedal and we started moving at around 10 kilometres per hour. She gripped the wheel so tightly I could see her knuckles turning white.

"You're doing great, Clare. Just relax a little. Maybe you could go a little faster. And try turning at the stop sign there."

Clare only increased the speed a tiny bit, and she stopped a little hard, but her turn went okay, and she seemed to be getting a little more confident. We made a few laps around the parking lot and she got more comfortable. She didn't stop quite as hard and she didn't turn too widely.

"See," I teased. "Driving isn't so hard."

"Uh huh," she said, still a little tense.

"Why don't you make a right and we'll just drive around the school? The side roads should be pretty empty."

"Okay," she said tentatively.

"You're going to have to drive the speed limit if we're on a real road," I said gently. She got up to speed and then slowed down at the stop sign at the back of the school. She looked both ways and turned. "Perfect."

There was a guy standing in the middle of the street with his back to us. He was kicking a hacky sack and clearly wasn't paying any attention to us. "Just slow down a little and see what this idiot is going to do." He must have heard the car because he turned to look at us.

No fucking way.

Fitz.

My jaw dropped and Clare let out a shriek. All I could picture was him holding a knife in his hands, calling Clare a bitch and bringing his arm back to stab me and I closed my eyes and tried to count to three or picture Clare kissing me or do anything to get him out of my mind, but when I opened my eyes he was still there, standing in the middle of the street, clearly shocked to see Clare and I driving toward him in the hearse. Driving right at…

"Clare, STOP!" She slammed on the brake and narrowly missed hitting him. I jumped out of the car before she could even put it in park.

"You fucking asshole!" I screamed. "Get out of the fucking road."

He ignored me and walked toward the driver's door. "I need to talk to you," he said to Clare.

"She doesn't have anything to say to you." I ran over to him and grabbed him by the arm, shoving him away from Clare.

"Look, man. I'm sorry about what happened at Vegas Night. I took it too far. I just wanted to scare you; I wasn't going to kill you."

He took another step towards the hearse and I shoved him away again. "Stay away from Clare. She doesn't want to have anything to do with you."

"I think the girl can speak for herself."

Clare opened the door and grabbed me by the arm. "Eli, calm down and get into the car."

"Not until he swears he'll stay away from you."

Fitz put his hands up in surrender. "Dude, I'm not going to touch her. I just want to talk."

"Go talk to one of your ravine skanks and stay away from my girlfriend."

Fitz laughed. He took a cigarette out of his pocket and put it behind his ear. "Your girlfriend, eh? I thought Clare had better taste than to go out with an ass like you."

Clare tugged on my hand. "Let's go."

But I wasn't done yet. "At least I don't have to blackmail girls into dating me by threatening them."

"At least I'm not so emo that I can't last long enough to please my lady…although I suppose Saint Clare won't get to experience that particular problem."

I was so pissed off that he brought Clare into this fight that without thinking, my fist flew back and I punched him in his face. My hand started throbbing instantly and I stepped back, surprised when Fitz just rubbed his cheek and didn't come after me.

Clare sucked in a breath, shocked and grabbed me by the back of my shirt as if she was going to hold me back. I rubbed my bleeding knuckles. "What's the matter, Fitzy boy? Not so tough without your trusty knife? The police didn't give it back to you after they bagged it for evidence?"

Fitz looked like he was seething with anger, but for some reason, he didn't try to hit me. He spat on the ground. "I should have stabbed you when I had the chance. Just to shut your fucking mouth up."

Clare let out a wailing noise and I realized she was crying hysterically. Shit. I was so obsessed with Fitz that I stopped thinking about her.

"Stay away from her," I said, wrapping my arm around her waist. "She wants nothing to do with you." As Fitz eyed me, I led her to the passenger side door and took the keys out of her hand.

Once she was locked safely inside, I went back around and got right up in Fitz's face. "If you touch her, I'll kill you," I hissed, quietly enough that Clare wouldn't be able to hear it. "I don't care if I go to jail for the rest of my life and I don't care if you take me with you. You touch her, you die."

Fitz took a step back without a word. He stared at us as I put Morty in drive and drove off.

Clare was still crying and my hands were shaking and I was starting to feel really bad. As the adrenaline faded my nerves started acting up and I wished I had my pills on me. I'd been better lately and hadn't needed to take them but as soon as I saw Fitz I just couldn't control myself. Flashing back to Vegas Night was bad enough but as soon as that image popped into my head, another memory kept rushing back – my deepest, darkest secret I had never told anyone, not even Julia. I closed my eyes, trying to force the thought out of my head, but it wouldn't go away. I realized I was still driving and that I was going to kill us both if I didn't open my eyes and get myself together.

I was driving past the park Clare and I sometimes went to and there was a parking space open at so I pulled over, realizing it wasn't safe for me to be driving in this condition. I unbuttoned a few buttons on my shirt but I still felt that choking sensation that meant a panic attack was on the way. I got out of the car, forcing myself to take deep calm breaths as I paced next to the car.

Clare hurried over to me and wrapped her arms around me. Her embrace created some sort of tactile comfort situation; although I initially resisted her, she persisted and the feeling of her holding me definitely started to calm me down. I was starting to feel better but I was a little dizzy, so I sat down on Morty's hood. Clare stood in front of me and held my hands.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I let out a deep breath. "Yeah…seeing him just brought me back to Vegas Night. I felt like he was coming back to finish what he started." I could just picture Fitz stabbing me, leaving me to bleed out on the floor while he took my beautiful Clare and stole her virtue.

Clare bit her lip. "Well, I don't think that's what he intended, but you certainly didn't do anything to keep the peace."

What the fuck? "Are you pissed at me? He's the psycho who tried to stab me, Clare. I know I screwed up but nothing I did was worse than that."

"You told me you were done." Clare's voice was furious. "After Vegas Night, you swore to me that the fighting was over, the scheming was over. I told you I couldn't be with you if you thought violence was the answer and the first thing you do when you see Fitz is to get him riled up and then punch him in the face. He just wanted to talk, Eli. He wouldn't have gotten aggressive if you hadn't started it."

All the tension that had worked itself out of my body was back as I stared at Clare in disbelief. "You're being naïve. Fitz is dangerous. I was just protecting you."

"Don't." She took a step back from me and I felt my heart breaking. "I don't need you to protect me. I need you to be my boyfriend and to keep yourself safe and out of trouble."

"Clare…"

"I'm serious, Eli. The thought of losing you kills me. You have no idea what it was like watching Fitz holding a knife, ready to take you from me."

"Yeah, I have no idea." My hands were forming fists and I put them behind my back so Clare wouldn't get the wrong idea. I wasn't going to hurt her; I'd never do that, but the amount of pain and tension in my body left me without much control.

She took a step back toward me and rested her hand on my knee. "I'm sorry. That wasn't fair."

"Are we okay?"

"Do you promise me there will be no more fighting?"

I shook my head. "I can't promise that. If he's back…" God, what if he comes back to Degrassi? Simpson wouldn't let that happen, right? "If he comes near you…"

Clare turned away from me. "Take me home, Eli."

"Clare."

"Take me home."


	3. Wouldn't It Be Nice

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Thanks everyone for reading and again to AlbatrossTam14 for her patience and reassurance.**

**This chapter alternates between Eli and Clare's perspectives.  
**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 3

Somehow I managed to keep myself from falling apart long enough to drop Clare off at her house after a tense, silent ride home. She didn't even say goodbye before she took off for the door, and my heart felt broken beyond repair.

Was that it? Did we just break up?

Between the tears and my shaking hands, I had to pull over once between her house and mine because I couldn't see well enough to drive. I pulled myself together as best I could for the rest of the five minute drive. I was happy to see that both Cece and Bullfrog were out because I didn't think I could handle seeing them right now.

I tore up the stairs to my room. I stood on a pile of boxes of old comics to grab a key that I had safety pinned to an old stuffed bear I kept in the back of my closet, and then climbed over a few piles to the deepest part of the room. I dug underneath the clothes and boxes of stuff I knew I wouldn't uncover with Clare for at least a few more months and found the locked box I had placed under there a few months ago.

I unlocked it and found the bottle of anti-anxiety meds my psychiatrist had prescribed for me once Cece forced me to start seeing him after she realized just how bad I had let the hoarding get. The bottle was nearly full. I had only taken a few after really stressful, panic attack inducing cleaning sessions. In the last month, I hadn't taken any; even the cleaning wasn't driving me to the kind of desperation that forced me to self-medicate. I had Clare and that was enough.

There was also a baggie of similar pills I had procured by less…legal means after Julia's death. I only had two of those pills left; I had gone through a few of the leftovers after Vegas Night until I was sure Clare had forgiven me and that Fitz was locked up.

I took two pills out of the bottle and stared at it. If Fitz was back…if Clare was really dumping me…I knocked a few pills into the baggie and put it in my pocket, making sure to lock the bottle back up. I buried the box underneath all my stuff and climbed back across the room to hide the key.

In the kitchen, I poured a glass of water and took both pills. I was really only supposed to take one at the time, but I had discovered that the calming, foggy feeling came a lot quicker if I took two. I sat down, trying to keep my breathing under control so the pills could work their magic.

The calmer I felt, the more I knew I had to go see Clare, to apologize, to make her forgive me. I didn't need to be violent. The next time I saw Fitz, I would walk away. The next time I thought about Mike, I would take a pill, and I'd be fine.

I saw my car keys on the table and grabbed them, ready to go eat crow and tell Clare that she was right and I was wrong and that I'd do anything to make it up to her. I knew I wasn't supposed to drive on these, and that was at the correct dosage. It was only ten minutes away though.

One hour. I'd wait one hour and then I'd go tell Clare that I loved her and beg her to take me back.

* * *

After Eli dropped me off, the first thing I saw was the kitchen table I had set so nicely before I left the house. I had put a flower in a vase and used the good plates and even had two wine glasses out for the sparkling cider I was planning to serve.

A nice romantic dinner. Which was supposed to be followed by a sweet and maybe just a tiny bit sexy sleepover. Totally ruined.

I was so mad at Eli I could scream. I knew why he hated Fitz; I knew he was shocked to see him. But he always had to take it too far. All we had to do was continue driving right past Fitz and we'd be sitting here at my table right now, holding hands and twirling spaghetti on our forks. Eli could never just let things go.

What was Fitz doing at Degrassi anyway? I had heard through the rumor mill that he had gotten out of Juvie, but I was sure he was expelled. Being there on a Saturday didn't mean he was a student though; he was probably just waiting for Owen or Bianca or someone.

I went up to my room and threw myself onto the bed. I didn't want to be one of those girls who cried over their boyfriends all the time, but I just couldn't help it. I was starting to feel like Eli and I would never get it together. There was too much that got in the way: Fitz, my beliefs, his emotional baggage from Julia's death, my parents' impending divorce.

I wasn't sure exactly how long I laid in bed feeling sorry for myself, but after a while, I had to stop the pity party before I lost my mind. I was feeling drained from all the tears and stopped in the bathroom to wash my face.

I opened the fridge to get a glass of water and saw the chicken I had thawed to make for dinner. What a waste. I wasn't going to sit here and make a fancy dinner for just me.

I knew part of the reason I was upset was that Eli just dropped me off at home without a word. He could have apologized. He could have explained. But whenever things got tough between us, Eli always pulled back and that wasn't how I worked. I needed to talk things out.

After Vegas Night, he didn't call me for two weeks, and once he did, it was a quick call to tell me he had been suspended. He just waited me out until I missed him so much that I was happy to take him back. I wondered how long I would have to wait this time.

And of course, as soon as I began to doubt Eli, the doorbell rang.

He stood on the front porch, clutching his hands in front of him, but overall was much calmer than I had expected him to be. His eyes were glassy and I guess he had done his own share of crying.

"I'm sorry," was all he said.

I opened the door wider, letting him into the house and he put his hand on my back leading me into the living room. "Clare, do you remember when I told you about the hoarding?" He gestured to the couch and the table. "And I told you that whenever I try to through something out, I feel like I'm going to die or someone I love is." I nodded and he continued, taking my hand as he sat us down in the same positions we were in for that conversation.

"This is more than a scrap of paper or a popcorn tub. Fitz pulled a knife on me. And even if he didn't intend to stab me, that's what it felt like to me. My life flashed before my eyes and I thought he was going to kill me and then hurt you. I know violence isn't the answer and I know it hurts you, but I'm trying to explain that I can't be rational about this. I see Fitz and I fear for your life."

"Eli," I murmured, touching his hand in hopes of comforting him.

"All I can promise is to do my best. If I see him, I'll walk away. But I can't promise you that nothing like this will ever happen again, because I'd do anything to keep him from hurting you."

"You don't have to worry. He's not going to hurt me. I'm going to stay away from him too. We were just unlucky that we ran into him. The only place we'll ever see him is the Dot and if he walks in, we leave. This doesn't have to be a big deal."

Eli closed his eyes as if he were fighting with himself. "You're right," he said in a tone that didn't quite match his words. "Are we okay?"

I wasn't sure this conversation was quite enough to fix this, but Eli looked sad and I just wanted both of us to get past this. "Of course," I said, giving him a peck on the lips. He looked relieved immediately.

"So…what's for dinner?" he asked with an impish look on his face.

"Chicken Parmigiano with spaghetti and salad."

"Mmm, sounds great," he said. "Can I help?"

* * *

I felt like I was having two different days; my altercation with Fitz seemed like it was last week rather than a few hours ago. Clare and I were curled up on her bed, watching Mean Girls, since that was what happened to be on TV and sharing a giant bowl of chocolate ice cream. Every time her tongue darted out to suck the ice cream off the spoon it made me want to do the dirtiest things to her.

My medicine had definitely worn off, but it didn't matter, because I was feeling amazing. The movie switched to a commercial break and I leaned over to kiss Clare.

"Do we really have to kiss every single time it cuts to a commercial?" Clare giggled.

"Do you really want to hear more about Proactiv, Big Time Rush or going to school in your pajamas? Or would you rather spend your time more productively?"

Clare laughed again. "Did you even bring your pajamas? I thought you were going to sleep over tonight."

I bit my lip. "I didn't know if that was still on, given what happened earlier."

Clare's smile fell a bit. "I'd really like it if you'd spend the night."

"Then, I'd love to." It had been so long since I fell asleep in someone's arms. I really couldn't wait to share that experience with Clare.

"What are you going to sleep in?"

I wiggled my eyebrows and she slapped my shoulder. "If you want to sleep naked, you can do that in your own bed."

"We'll figure out something." I was kind of hoping that something was only going to involve a pair of boxers that hopefully wouldn't make it through the entire night, but I didn't want to push my luck.

We turned back to the movie for a while, the conversation forgotten and I stroked her side where her shirt had ridden up just a little. She snuggled closer to me and I squeezed her.

A really sweet thought occurred to me. "Do you know the song Wouldn't It Be Nice? It's by the Beach Boys."

Clare shook her head. "How is it that you know every song and every band known to man?"

"Okay, for one thing, the Beach Boys are extremely famous and everyone knows them, and it's one of their best songs. And secondly, in case you forgot, my dad is a radio DJ."

"He does the morning show."

"Yeah, but he got into being a DJ because he loves music so much. You should listen to his show one day when he fills in for another DJ. He's brilliant. He seriously knows everything about music. The only way I can rebel against him is to listen to screamo because he says he can't stand any music that's both angry and whiny at the same time."

Clare laughed. "So what's this Beach Boys song?"

"It's about a couple and they're thinking about how nice it would be if it were the future and they were living together and spending all their time together."

Her eyes sparkled. "And what exactly would make you think of that?"

I grinned at her. "You, me. Cooking dinner together…snuggling in your bed…sleeping together."

She blushed. "You mean, sleeping in the same bed."

"Yeah, that's exactly what I meant."

"It sounds pretty nice," she said. "But I did all the cooking."

"Hey, I made the salad AND I did the dishes," I protested.

"Well then, we're practically married already. Want to help me scrub the bathroom tomorrow morning?"

"Depends on what we're going to do to make it dirty."

Her eyebrows shot up and the most beautiful blush spread across her face. "Want to get ready for bed?"

It was barely 10 o'clock, so clearly Clare had other ideas in mind than actual sleeping. "We never decided what I was going to sleep in."

Clare wouldn't meet my eyes. "Oh, right, I probably have a pair of gym shorts you could wear that would fit."

I brought my mouth very close to her ear. "If you're going to give me a pair of shorts, I might as well just sleep in my boxers."

"Sure," Clare said, a little too perkily. She lept off the bed and grabbed some pjs out of her drawer. "I'm just gonna…bathroom." She practically sprinted out of the room.

Today was really starting to look up. I unzipped my jeans and pulled them down. The little baggie that contained my pills fell out and I quickly stuffed them back in and folded the jeans so that wouldn't happen again, especially not in front of Clare.

I tried to decide whether taking off my shirt would be a little too much for Clare. She hadn't made a move to do that last time, although she might have if Cece hadn't interrupted us. I figured I'd leave it on until she wanted it off.

I wasn't sure if I could get under the covers so I just lay back against her pillow with my arms crossed behind my head.

Clare entered the doorway, pausing for a second as if she wanted me to get a good look at her. She had left the clothes she changed out of in the bathroom so I had an unobstructed view of what she was wearing.

Wow.

I would have expected her to wear something like big baggy plaid pants and an oversized t-shirt but she was wearing a tight blue tank top that showed she clearly was not wearing a bra over a pair of what I knew from the Victoria Secrets catalogs Adam would swipe from his mother were called boy shorts. Her legs were bare and sexy and I wanted to run my hands all over them.

The sight of her made me hard instantly and I knew as she crossed the room and knelt on the bed next to me that she could see it, but she didn't comment on it.

"Is that what you always wear to bed?"

I knew the desire in my voice was evident and Clare's face turned purple. "Sometimes."

"Is there any way we can get your parents to stay gone for a few more nights?"

"Eli!" She put her hand on my stomach and I just looked at her beautiful figure. "You can stop drooling."

I laughed. "I was trying to decide whether to take my shirt off or if that would be too much for you to handle, but clearly, my dressed or undressed state pales in comparison to you in this amazingly sexy outfit."

"I don't mind if you take your shirt off," Clare said, biting her lip.

This girl was going to be the death of me. "If you insist." I tugged my t-shirt over my head and lay back down. Her eyes landed on my chest and she didn't move and I wasn't sure exactly where she wanted to take this.

"Clare…you can stop drooling now," I teased.

She rolled her eyes. "Like I would drool over you." But her face clearly showed she liked what she saw – which made me feel a little better since I was always a little self-conscious of how I looked since I was pretty short and skinny for a guy.

I felt a little awkward waiting for her to make a move, but I didn't feel entirely confident that I knew what she wanted. "Should we get under the covers?"

She shook her head. "I want to see you."

Does she mean…? For a girl who wore her embarrassment all over her face, she was not giving me any indication of where she was going with this.

I decided to talk around the issue to see if that would get us anywhere. I entwined her fingers in mine. "You know, we didn't really talk about what happened yesterday between us. I just want to make sure you're comfortable and that you enjoyed it."

Clare squeezed my hand. "I was and I did."

Good to know, but not really helpful. "And I'm sorry my mother interrupted us. She apologized to me after you left. I hope it wasn't too embarrassing. I promise you she doesn't really care what we do as long as we…" Shit, I was about to say love. "Are safe and happy," I added quickly.

"Well, since she didn't actually walk in on us it wasn't too embarrassing." She bit her lip as if she were deciding whether to tell me something. "I was just a little…disappointed."

"Disappointed?" Now that sounded promising.

"Yeah." She was silent for a second. "I was really enjoying it and kind of wanted to…"

She broke off and I tried as hard as I could to keep a smirk off my face. I decided to use her language from yesterday. "Take things a little farther?"

Clare nodded.

"Like what?" I whispered.

She slid her hand down my stomach with agonizing slowness. "Clare, are you sure?"

She placed her hand right on my through my boxer shorts. "Is this okay?" she whispered.

"It's more than okay." I pulled her down so she was lying on top of me and we kissed with even more passion than yesterday. It probably had something to do with our lack of clothes and the gentle way she was stroking me.

As sexy as her pajama set was, I had to see her without clothes on. I tore the tank top over her head without stopping to make sure it was okay first. We made out while our hands explored for a while, but it wasn't long before we were both naked and thrusting against each other, while I made sure that my cock rubbed against her leg and not anywhere else that was going to get me in trouble.

I cursed myself for not bringing a condom with me – not that I thought Clare was ready to take that step, but we were close enough that if she were, I'd really regret not being prepared and having to turn her down.

She wrapped her fingers around me again. I knew this time she was ready to finish me off, and I was grateful that she wouldn't be leaving me with a raging erection at the end of our make out session. I slid my fingers inside her while she worked on me. She moaned and I grinned, watching the expression on her face for clues to what was working. I was so focused on her that I managed to keep myself going even though her hand was doing amazing things to me. Her volume increased and I sucked her nipple into my mouth and increased my pace.

Her grip tightened as she got closer and I knew I wasn't going to last long. "Come for me, Clare. I want to hear you let go."

She screamed in a way I never would have expected as her legs trembled and back arched. "Oh, Clare," I moaned as I followed her.

Clare looked at me with wide eyes. "Wow," she said finally.

"That good, eh?"

She rolled her eyes. "Can you hand me the tissues?"

We got ourselves cleaned up and got dressed in our sleep clothes. I turned down the covers and she turned off the light as we climbed into bed together.

"Goodnight, Eli," she whispered through the dark.

"Goodnight, Clare. I…" I stopped myself before I told her I loved her. I didn't know why I couldn't say it to her. I knew I felt it. And I had said it before to Julia, though we had been together for a few months longer at the time. I wasn't still hung up on Julia; I mean, I missed her and I still loved her, but I wasn't in love with her anymore. So why couldn't I tell Clare how I felt?

Clare must have felt me stiffen and turned to look at me. "Everything okay?"

I forced my confusion out of my mind. "Everything's perfect."

I wrapped my arms around her waist and held her so tightly. All I wanted to do was fall asleep in her arms.


	4. Things are What You Make of Them

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**This idea has been done to death since the promo, but it's pretty significant to the story. Thanks for reading and for your lovely reviews. Whenever I am having a bad day, I reread them and smile.  
**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 4

"So what time do you your parents get home?" Eli asked.

I balanced the phone between my shoulder and my ear as I attempted to continue typing my science report. "Not until five, but I have a lot of work to do, since somebody decided I had to spend the whole weekend with him." I had to kick Eli out around 11 so that I could start working, and he had called me only an hour later.

"Who me?" Eli teased. "So I can't convince you to sneak out for a little bit and get lunch with me at the Dot?"

"I wish I could but I really have to finish this. If I'm not done by the time my parents get home, they're going to start asking questions about how I spend my time this weekend that I don't really want to answer."

"Like just how naked you were with me last night…and this morning."

I blushed, trying to ignore him. "Plus, they're probably going to be grumpy after spending a weekend together trying to pretend their marriage isn't a failure and I never get any work done while they're fighting."

"If they're fighting and you need to escape, you know you can call me."

"I know."

"Well, I guess I'll have to go the Dot all by myself. Do you want me to bring you anything?"

"I'll just make myself a sandwich later. I'm not really hungry after all those pancakes." Eli had snuck downstairs while I was still sleeping and I woke to the scent of fresh hot pancakes. He piled them on one plate, slathered them in butter and syrup and we ate them in my bed.

"Well, I managed to work up quite an appetite." My face grew hot, remembering our repeat performance from this morning.

It was amazing how comfortable I had gotten being with him in such a short amount of time. As soon as he kissed me, I would just melt in his arms. It didn't matter that I was naked or that I was moaning; I wasn't embarrassed at all. I had never felt so close to a person before and I couldn't believe how much I wanted to sleep with him. Thank goodness he respected my beliefs, because I had a feeling if he suggested it, I would probably end up doing something I'd regret.

Or if I were really honest with myself…I probably wouldn't regret it at all.

I glanced out the window. "It's really pouring out. Are you sure you want to go to the Dot? I'm sure there's something in the fridge you could heat up."

"I can think of something I'd like to heat up."

I rolled my eyes. "Eli, come on." For a guy who was usually so witty, he could be ridiculously corny.

The doorbell rang, and I stood to answer it. "That better not be you."

"It's not, but if it were me, I don't think you'd be complaining."

He was right, but I wasn't going to tell him that. I opened up the door and…

"Fitz!" I exclaimed, dropping the phone. "Shit," I hissed, trying to pick it up.

Fitz raised an eyebrow. "Never thought I'd hear that word come out of your mouth."

There was no way Eli hadn't heard what I said and I didn't want him to freak out. "Eli…Eli…?" I hung up and typed in his phone number, wishing I was on my cell rather than the house phone because it would have been quicker. Eli's phone rang but he didn't pick up.

"Clare," Fitz said gently. "I wouldn't ask, but it's pouring out and I walked all the way here." He gestured inside the door.

I was so worried about Eli that I had practically forgotten Fitz of all people was standing on my doorstep getting soaking wet.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. I stepped back, allowing him into the house. We stood awkwardly in the doorway until I led him into the living room. I gestured at the green chair in the corner and sat on the opposite end of the couch.

"I need to talk to you."

"How do you know where I live?" I didn't think that Fitz was an imminent threat, but at the same time, I was alone and he had certainly been prone to violent behavior before. I kept the phone firmly in my hand, just in case.

He looked at his hands. "My mom goes to your church. I looked you up in the directory."

Fitz's mom was Mrs. Fitzgerald? The nice lady who never missed a potluck dinner? Who was on altar guild with my mother until she broke her arm last year? "I've never seen you there."

He grimaced. "Not really my thing."

. I couldn't take my eyes off the bruise on his cheek from where Eli hit him yesterday. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

He took a deep breath. "I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what happened on Vegas Night. I shouldn't have blackmailed you into going with me just to piss Eli off and I shouldn't have pulled a knife on him. I took it too far and I really regret what happened."

As much as I appreciated hearing it, his apology, though sincere, didn't quite feel right. "It's Eli you should be apologizing to."

"Eli won't let me get within 20 feet of him without punching me in the face. I don't really care what he thinks of me. But you were really nice to me when I didn't really do anything to deserve it. I know you must think I'm a monster, but I swear, I never meant to stab him. It was always just a dumb way to make him scared. I know I get into a lot of fights and usually it's my fault, but I'm not a killer."

I let out a sigh of relief, even though he was just confirming my suspicions. If Fitz was telling me the truth, that meant the whole war between him and Eli was over. I had just to keep the two of them apart, and I wouldn't have to worry. I gave Fitz a small smile. "I know, Fitz, and I appreciate you coming to apologize."

"So, we're straight?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said, standing up. But Fitz just stayed in his chair, his hands twitching a little bit. "Is everything okay?"

"There are two other favors I need to ask you."

I dropped back down in my chair. "Um, okay."

"Look, I spent three months in juvie for bringing a weapon to school and for attempted assault, and I'm lucky I got out when I did. I'm on probation and I turn 18 next month, so the next time I screw up, I'm probably going to get sent away. There's some stuff on my juvenile record that will pretty much guarantee that."

"I don't know what…"

"I need you to keep Eli away from me. I don't want to start anything with him, but if he fights me or tries to get me in trouble again, I'm going to jail. I'm already going to have a hard time explaining this bruise to my probation officer tomorrow morning."

He leaned forward and looked straight into my eyes. "Clare, I spent three months in juvie and it was the worst experience of my entire life. And my life hasn't been all that great." Fitz had a softness in his eyes that I had never seen before. "I know you can talk some sense into him. I see the way he looks at you; that guy is crazy about you. Tell him I'm sorry and that I'm done. I can't go through that again and I can't screw up my whole life."

"I've been trying to tell him the same thing. He swore to me yesterday that he'd try to keep the peace, so if you don't start anything with him, he'll leave you alone. I'll make sure of it."

Fitz looked relieved. "One last thing." I couldn't imagine what else he had to say to me. "I have a meeting with the school board tomorrow after school and they're going to decide whether to let me go back to Degrassi."

My face fell. I could keep Eli and Fitz apart when I only had to worry about the Dot or mall. He was going to come back to Degrassi? They'd never let that happen, right? "You really want to come back after everything? Do you think they're going to let you?"

He twisted the ring he wore on his right middle finger. "I don't think so. And that's kind of why I need your help." I raised my eyebrows and he continued. "I served my time for the weapon and my stupidity. They just need to know that I never intended to stab Eli. And I think the only person who could convince them of that is you."

"Fitz, I can't…there must be another school that would take you. We live in a big city; there are tons of high schools."

Fitz wouldn't meet my eyes. "Degrassi is the only school I can walk to. Even with the student discount, I can't afford a bus pass. My mom's out of work on disability and what little is left of her check at the end of the month gets drunk by my asshole stepfather." I flinched at the word he used. "Sorry. But it's basically Degrassi or dropping out for me. I'm not smart enough to homeschool myself. And I don't have a job or probably any prospect of getting one at this point. I've gotta turn my life around and I'm not going to be able to do that without a diploma."

"Fitz, I…" My words were interrupted by the sound of the front door flying open and Eli rushing in. I jumped up to stand in his way as he tried to advance on Fitz.

"What the fuck are you doing here? I told you to stay away from her. I told you I'd kill you if you laid a hand on her."

"Eli, calm down," I said, wrapping my arms around him as he tried to get past me. "We're talking and I'm fine. We're just talking."

To his credit, Fitz stayed in his chair and kept his mouth shut. "Eli," I said soothingly, trying to lead him back toward the door and away from Fitz. "I'm fine. Can you calm down enough to sit down on the couch and talk?"

"I don't have anything to say to him." Even though his words were angry, he seemed to be relieved about something. He wrapped his arms around me and brought his mouth to his ear. "He shouldn't be here, Clare. He could hurt you."

"He's not going to hurt me, Eli. He came to ask me to help you stay away from him so neither of you gets into any more trouble," I whispered. I had managed to maneuver him all the way to the door.

"I'm not leaving, Clare."

I glanced over my shoulder at Fitz who was watching us silently. "Can you give me five minutes? Five minutes and I'll ask him to leave, and he'll be out of our lives forever. You could wait up in my room and wait and I'll be up in just a second."

Eli gave me a look of disbelief. "You want me to leave?"

I let out a sigh of exasperation. "No! But I need to finish this conversation and I can't with you here, hovering over me while I have to hold you back to keep you from hurting him."

"Well, what about how he hurt me?"

"Eli…"

He grabbed the door handle. "See you later, Clare." I watched him walk down the stairs and get into Morty.

I walked back to Fitz, not bothering to sit down. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

Fitz stood as well. "That kid has a lot of problems, Clare. I hope you know what you're getting into with him."

I crossed my arms and pursed my lips. "I don't need any comments about my relationship from you. If you weren't here right now, Eli wouldn't be upset with me."

"Sorry…" He took a step closer to me. "Will you help me, Clare? There isn't anyone else I can go to."

I felt a few tears rushing to my eyes. "I can't. I hope things work out the way you want them to, but I can't go to the school board and tell them I want you at Degrassi. It would kill Eli to see you there every day, and I can't betray him like that."

Fitz shook his head. He didn't seem surprised at my answer. "Well, I doubt they're going to let me back in anyway. But if they do, I promise the feud is over, Clare. I don't want to do anything to hurt you." As he moved past me to get to the door, he paused to wipe a tear off my face. "And I'm sorry. For everything."

I watched him walk out the front door into the pouring rain. Eli's hearse was still in the driveway and I almost wanted to run after him and force Eli to give Fitz a ride home. But I felt like I had hurt both boys too much today to make them do anything together, especially with me in the middle.


	5. Somebody's Crying

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Thanks to AlbatrossTam14 who's honesty and helpful suggestions made this a much better chapter.**

**I'm not saying this story is going to get super happy any time soon, but this will be the last 'Eli freaks out' chapter for a while, so if it feels a little repetitive, I'm sorry.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 5

When I heard Clare exclaim "Fitz!" right before the dial tone blasted my ear, I thought by the time I'd get to Clare's house, she'd already be dead.

When car trouble and the pouring rain delayed me from reaching her house, I was convinced that Fitz was holding her down and pounding into her while she cried, terrified and pained by his intrusion.

When I flung the door open and barged in, the tiniest part of me felt relieved. Clare was sitting on the opposite side of the room from Fitz and she didn't look upset. As Clare wrapped her arms around me and talked me down, I did start to feel better – until she asked me to leave so she could keep talking to Fitz.

How could she ask me to leave? How could she want to talk to him?

She suggested going to her room, but I knew the only thing that would make me feel better were my pills, which I had left in the glove compartment. I was torn about leaving her with him, but I knew I was moments away from losing my mind.

I didn't have any water in the hearse, and thought about waiting to take them until I could get back into Clare's house, but I was afraid she'd see and she'd ask questions, so I dry swallowed both pills with a little bit of difficulty.

True to her word, Fitz left less than five minutes later, shooting me an angry look as he walked past Morty, but not stopping to start anything with me.

I was waiting for the pills to kick in before I went back inside to talk to Clare, but I found that in spite of them, I wasn't able to relax. I kept going over and over the image of Fitz forcing himself into the house, throwing Clare to the ground, ripping her clothes off and burying himself in her while she screamed and cried and tried to fight back but couldn't.

The thought of him taking that from her, her purity which she held with such conviction…it killed me. The thought of Clare experiencing violence instead of the beautiful romantic first time I wanted to share with her made me want to throw up. Tears welled up in my eyes and I started to cry.

Get it together, Eli. Clare was inside her house and she was probably pissed but she hasn't been raped. She was okay…upset maybe…but not broken.

But I couldn't stop the tears and I felt so overwhelmed and I reached over to the glove compartment to get another pill when I saw Clare walking toward me, holding a bright yellow umbrella over her head. I slammed the glove compartment closed and pretended I was just leaning over unlock the passenger side door.

She took one look at my face and sighed. "Oh, Eli."

She scooted over until she was sitting right next to me, and cradled my head in her hands, stroking my cheekbone and wiping away my tears. "He's gone now. You don't have to worry."

"He knows where you live."

"His mother goes to my church, so he found me in the directory. She's actually a very nice woman." Right. A nice woman who probably has no idea what a fucked up son she raised.

"Why was he here?" I croaked, my throat hoarse.

Clare seemed to hesitate for a second. "He apologized for Vegas Night. He swore he only wanted to scare you and he never intended to stab you. And he asked me to talk to you about ending the feud. He's afraid if he gets into another fight or if you come up with another scheme to get him in trouble, he's going to end up in jail."

He'd deserve it. "Is that it?"

She was silent and I turned to meet her eyes. "He said he had a meeting with the board to try to re-enroll at Degrassi tomorrow."

My heart was pounding in my throat. "He's coming back?"

"He doesn't think they are going to let him back in."

If Fitz comes back to school…If Fitz is… Clare kept her soft hands on my face and I tried to think about her and not Fitz and – fuck – not…

Clare pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back until I started to get calm again. I could feel a little bit of the fuzzy feeling pushing through.

Clare pulled back and looked me in the eyes. "He asked me if I would be a character reference for him and tell the board that he made a mistake but never intended to hurt anyone. I told him I couldn't do that to you."

"If he comes back…" I whispered, the tears starting again. "I don't know what I'm going to do."

"He said he wanted to end the feud. I really believe him, Eli. If you stay away from him, nothing more will happen."

"You don't know that. People say they're going to stop, and they never do. They always have to keep it going, to take more from you."

Clare's eyes narrowed, but her words were soft. "What are you so afraid of?"

Could I tell her? No. I didn't want her to look at me any differently.

"There are things in life that are worse than having someone pull a knife on you," I said.

Clare squeezed my hand. "I know that, Eli. But I think if you keep worrying about things that aren't going to happen, you're just going to make yourself crazy."

But she didn't know…she couldn't. "If anything happened to you…" I cut off, unable to tell her how deeply it would destroy me.

She cupped my cheek. "Eli, nothing is going to happen to me. I'm going to go back inside and work on my science project and wait for my parents to come home. I'm going to go to school tomorrow and eat lunch with you and Adam."

It was impossible for me to take her word for that, fully knowing what it was like to have someone in my life who was here one day and gone the next. The last thing I needed was to add my Julia grief to this situation but now she was in my head too and the only thing I could think of was to tell Clare the one thing I would have told Julia if she hadn't died, if she had shown up on my doorstep the next day.

"I love you."

I held my breath, waiting for her to respond. Was it too soon? Fuck, I always fucked everything up.

She threw herself into my arms. "Oh, Eli, I love you too."

A few more tears leaked out of my and I kissed her with a desperation I had never felt before. Her tongue and lips matched mine for a few moments before she pulled away, gasping for breath.

"Can we go inside?" I asked, practically begging. "I need to be with you right now." My hand crept up her thigh and squeezed.

"Eli, we can't…"

"Not sex, I swear…I just need to hold you in my arms, to touch you, to show you how much I love you."

Her face was red. "Okay, but just for a little bit. I have to finish this report before my parents get home."

I grabbed her hand and gave her the first genuine smile that had graced my face since our phone call earlier. "That sounds perfect."


	6. Whatever You Like

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**This is not my favorite chapter, but it's a little less heavy than the last few. Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 6

"Will Clare Edwards please report to Mr. Simpson's office at once?"

It was only a few minutes into first period when I heard the page, and several of my juvenile classmates joined in a chorus of "Oooh." I knew I wasn't in trouble, but my first instinct was that Eli was. I hadn't seen him before school so I assumed he was running late. When he was on time, he usually texted me to offer me a ride.

Ms. Oh nodded toward me and I grabbed my purse and my books. When I reached the office, Mr. Simpson's secretary sent me right in.

"Clare, I need to give you some news that you might find a bit distressing." His voice was very calm, but I felt nervous.

"Should I close the door?" I asked, wanting to have something to do while I waited for the bad news.

Mr. Simpson flinched and I remembered all the trouble he had with my sister before I even started at Degrassi. "That won't be necessary. The rest of the school will find out soon enough."

I let out a sigh of relief. If the whole school would know, it couldn't be something like my grandmother dying or something awful like that. "What is it, sir?"

"Yesterday, the school board had a special meeting, and they've decided to let Mark Fitzgerald attend Degrassi again on a trial basis. I know you were one of the people involved in the incident on Vegas Night, and I wanted to make you aware of this, so that you weren't surprised by seeing him at school. He'll be starting this afternoon."

Well, nothing would be more surprising than him showing up on my front doorstep. "They're letting him back in? But he brought a knife to school. Isn't that grounds for expulsion?"

"They decided that since he did not intend to commit a violent crime and that he had served his time for bringing a weapon to school, they would give him a chance. There has been some precedent for allowing students to return to school after their participation in a serious event."

Although a tiny part of me was glad that Fitz would have an opportunity to get his diploma and turn his life around, most of me was devastated. School had been a safe haven for me, where I could spend time with Eli without the pressures of my parents' divorce or his hoarding. Now I was going to have to watch out for Eli all the time, and make sure he stayed out of trouble.

Mr. Simpson must have noticed my discomfort. "Clare, are you concerned about your safety with Mark returning? Because you might be able to file an appeal with the Board if you had some evidence that he is a threat to you."

I wasn't sure if Eli's mental health qualified as a reasonable excuse, so I just shook my head. "I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll make sure that he and Eli don't get anywhere near each other."

"That's a good plan. And Clare? I'm glad to see that you've gone back to your old ways and have managed to keep yourself out of trouble this semester. But please, if you do suspect that there is a problem between Eli and Mark, let me know before you feel you need to set off a stink bomb in the school."

"Yes, sir," I said, a little embarrassed.

I didn't see Eli for the rest of the morning, and I wondered if he was skipping. He had been in school yesterday and everything seemed normal between us. During lunch, he wasn't in the cafeteria or the library or the Media Immersion lab, and I texted him but he didn't respond. I was wondering if maybe Mr. Simpson had given him the bad news and he took off for the day.

But when I walked in Ms. Dawes' classroom last period, he was having an argument with Adam that immediately stopped once I walked in the door.

"Talking about me again?" I asked, trying to ease the tension.

"Eli was just telling me about your exciting weekend," Adam teased.

I shot Eli a look. "And just how much did he tell you?"

Adam laughed. "Now I'm wondering how much he didn't tell me...all I know is that you lovebirds had a little sleepover and that you have crazy bed head in the morning."

"Eli!" I shrieked.

"Hey, I didn't tell him what I did to you to help you get the crazy bed head."

"Gross, guys. TMI," Adam said.

Eli smirked, and I smiled at him. "Where were you all day? I haven't seen you."

"I popped a tired on the way in this morning so I missed all of first and second periods waiting for the tow truck guy since my jack is broken, and at lunch I realized I had forgotten my biology homework at home so I had to sprint home to get it."

He seemed to be in good spirits, so I was sure Mr. Simpson hadn't told him the news. I didn't want to burst his bubble but I didn't want him to run into Fitz and find out I knew about it. "Um, Eli…"

He turned more fully in his chair and grabbed my hand. "It's okay, Clare. I talked to Simpson when I went in to get my late slip."

"Are you okay?"

He rolled his eyes and I noticed his pupils were a little too dilated. "I'm fine. I'm pissed off, but I'm fine. I promised you I'd just walk away if I see him, and that's what I'm going to do."

I glanced at Adam, who looked really uncomfortable to be in the middle of this conversation. Ms. Dawes came in and started class and Eli gave my hand one last squeeze before turning around.

Ms. Dawes led a discussion on Jane Austen for most of the period and then we worked individually, so I didn't get a chance to talk to Eli. When the bell rang, he turned around and grinned at me. "I need to ask Ms. Dawes something, but can I walk you home? I'll meet you at your locker."

"Sure," I said, curious about what he needed to talk to her about. He leaned over and gave me a peck on the lips.

"Mr. Goldsworthy and Ms. Edwards, I trust you remember you're still on school grounds," Ms. Dawes trilled. She looked amused and I had a feeling she enjoyed just how well her English class partnership had turned out for us.

Adam and I went to our lockers which were only a few apart from each other. Adam quickly got the books he needed and shoved them into his backpack but stood, waiting for me. He leaned against the locker next to mine.

"Eli told me about Fitz showing up at your house."

I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. Adam could never bring something up subtly. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he pressed on. "I know you'd tell Eli you were just to keep him from doing something stupid, but you don't need to hide things from me."

"It was fine, Adam. We talked, he left. That's it."

"I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you need me."

I sighed. Adam was so sweet, but I just wanted to forget about this. "I know that, and I'm grateful. But I don't have anything to say about this and isn't your mom waiting for you in the car?" Usually Adam had to rush away after school since his mother was very prompt.

Adam shifted uncomfortably. "No, I think Drew had to stay after for a while today."

"So how was your weekend?" I asked. "Any hot dates with Miss Fiona?"

He shook his head. "We got coffee at the Dot for a little bit yesterday but it was definitely an 'I'm bored and we're friends' kind of thing." He grinned. "I'm sure it doesn't compare to the rest of your weekend."

"How much did he tell you?" I hissed, annoyed. I knew Adam was Eli's best friend, but all this sex stuff was pretty new to me, and I didn't really want to share that information with anyone yet.

"I told you. He just said he slept over. But you're being awfully defensive for something that was supposed to be so innocent." Adam glanced at my ring finger as I reached up for my French notebook.

"I didn't sleep with him," I said quietly, so only Adam would hear.

"Clare, I didn't think that…"

"All you need to know is that I'm really happy."

Adam reached over and hugged me. "Oh, and he always might have mentioned you guys finally said the L word."

I forced a smile onto my face. I had been waiting for Eli to tell me how he felt, and I was so glad he did. But part of me couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that we shared those words in a moment of darkness. "I'd never said that to anyone before, you know. It was a really big deal to me."

"It was to him too, Clare. He's been talking to me about it forever." He glanced over my shoulder. "Speak of the devil….got to run." He took off in a sprint and I had a feeling his mother was not going to be too happy that she had to wait for him.

Eli wrapped his arms around me from behind. "Guess who?" he asked, planting a kiss on my neck.

"We're still in school," I chided.

He opened up his locker which looked slightly less of a disaster than it did when we first started working on his issues. "So what did you have to talk to Ms. Dawes about?"

He grabbed his books quickly and stuffed them in his backpack, reaching over to grab my hand as we started to walk to the entrance. "I talked to her about joining the Drama Club."

"You're going to try out?" I was so excited. With Eli as our lead, the show had a chance of being even better than last year. He could probably win a Grundy Award based on his singing voice and general sexiness alone.

He shook his head. "Nope. I'm going to do the soundboard."

"Oh," I said, disappointed. "But you'd make the perfect Danny! And you're such a great singer. You won't even consider it?"

"Clare, I'm not an actor. I don't like being on stage. I'd rather be backstage with you." He pulled me closer and wrapped his arm around my waist as we left school property.

I giggled. "You know the soundboard is out in the house, right? You won't really be backstage. But we can whisper sweet nothings to each other through the headset and drive everyone crazy."

He laughed. "Well, I'm just doing this to spend more time with you."

I gave him a curious look. "Yeah, but since you're on soundboard you don't even need to come to rehearsals until the last week or two. They don't turn on the mics until the final run through and then the dress rehearsals."

Eli looked crestfallen. "Oh. Well…I guess I'll figure something out."

His arm tightened around me as we walked home together.


	7. Should I Stay or Should I Go?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**This one is pretty happy overall. Enjoy!**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 7

"I still can't figure out what to do for the Greased Lightning number. I don't want to make a cheesy cardboard cutout of a car, but I can't figure out any other way," Clare said, as I walked her to her drama club meeting the next day.

"Too bad you can't drive a real car into the auditorium."

"Even if we could somehow get it into the school the entrance to the wings isn't big enough and there's hardly any room backstage. This isn't Broadway, you know. I can't work miracles."

"Really, Saint Clare?" I teased. We reached the auditorium door and I bent down to kiss her goodbye. I was supposed to spend the afternoon with Bullfrog since he needed to buy a suit for my cousin's wedding and he didn't own one.

Clare deepened the kiss surprisingly since usually she was so reserved when we were in public. I wrapped my arms around her shoulder and pulled her close to me. "I wish we could have some alone time," I whispered seductively into her ear.

She giggled and pushed me away. "Maybe this weekend," she said. "I'm sure your room needs some work."

I was about to retort when out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Fitz. He was sitting down in front of some lockers not far from us, listening to his headphones. He met my gaze but immediately looked away. My grip on Clare's hand tightened.

"You know, why don't I just hang out during drama club? I can help you brainstorm some set ideas and afterward maybe you could come over for a little bit."

Clare's face fell. "That sounds great, but I promised my mom I would be home for dinner."

"Well, then you could at least allow me to give you a ride home. I wouldn't want you to be late." I ushered her into the auditorium ahead of me.

"Are you sure Morty will make it to my house?"

"Ouch, Clare. I just popped a tire and it's all fixed now. It could have happened to anyone."

Clare walked down the aisle and sat down next to Ms. Dawes. She pulled out her drawings of set designs and started explaining each one. I sat a few rows back and watched the auditions that were going on. I sent Bullfrog a text that I was sorry and that he should take mom out suit shopping since she'd probably be better at it than I was.

Clare was right; the guys who were trying out weren't very good singers. I knew I could play the Danny part and do a good job, but I really wasn't interested in performing. At my old school I used to jam with a couple of guys and we played one Battle of the Bands with me as the lead singer. It was alright but it wasn't something I really wanted to repeat. I liked to sing in the shower and when I was alone, I'd try to teach myself songs on my guitar, but as much as I wanted to make Clare happy, I knew I couldn't commit to something so big just for her if it wasn't what I wanted.

And I hated to admit it, but if I were onstage it would be harder for me to keep an eye on Clare. Seeing Fitz practically waiting outside the auditorium made me realize I was going to have to spend my afternoons here, making sure Clare was okay.

I could feel myself tensing up a little bit and forced myself to calm down and breath. I had my pills in my pocket just in case, but I didn't want to have to take them every single time I thought of Fitz.

I watched Clare talking to Ms. Dawes, her face bright and curls bouncing. She was watching the stage as she talked as some sophomore I didn't know warbled Sandy. Clare stood up and walked over to that senior guy Zane who was directing the play. She whispered something in his ear and he nodded.

She hurried back over to me. "I need to go to the woodshop to set up a schedule for building the sets with Mr. Sanders."

"I'll go with you," I offered.

As soon as we left the auditorium, Clare let out a sigh. "Are you sure you don't want to try out? If I have to listen to one more tone deaf guy butcher Summer Lovin', I'm going to lose my mind."

I laughed. "I'm sure you'll find someone."

"I'm just glad that I can focus on the sets and props and not have to worry about casting. Poor Zane and Ms. Dawes."

"What were you talking to her about?"

"Oh, I had to show her the set designs I've been working on. I was able to show Zane during lunch yesterday and he really liked them so I just needed her approval. This way I can get the tech team together next week and start building."

"Can I see?" She held out her designs.

"Clare, these are amazing." She wasn't the most skilled artist, but you could really see her version translating amazingly well to the stage. She blushed, obviously pleased by my comment and I put my arm around her, still looking at her designs.

We made our way through the school. The woodshop and autoshop were in a separate building that was connected by a short, little used hallway. The teacher was cutting a piece of wood with a jigsaw when we walked in.

"Hi, Mr. Sanders, I'm Clare Edwards and I'm the stage manager for the musical this year." He greeted her and shook her hand. I hung back a little, not really wanting to get in Clare's way.

"I wanted to see when you'd be able to let us use the woodshop after school to build the sets. I brought my designs with me in case you want to take a look."

He placed her drawings on the table in front of him and peered at him. "These look pretty good, and very doable. Are these to scale? Do you have the measurements for everything?"

"They aren't to scale, but I have the measurements here. I've also got a list of the materials we'll need in case there is anything I have to order," Clare said.

He peered at the list. "I think we should have most of this here, but I'll check the storeroom tomorrow. I should be able to stay after Monday through Thursday for the next two weeks. If you have a good team, we should get the big set pieces done by then."

"Great!" Clare beamed. "The only thing I'm not really sure of is how to set up the Greased Lightning number."

Mr. Sanders tapped his pencil against the desk. "You know, my daughter's school did Grease a few years ago, and they used the front end of a real car. If you take the motor and most of the guts out it's not too heavy, and much easier to maneuver. I can talk to Mr. Ehl and see if he's got an old junker we could dismantle."

"That sounds great," Clare said. She scribbled something on the materials list. "Here's my phone number and email address in case there are any problems. I will see you Monday, right after school."

Mr. Sanders laughed. "You're very organized, Ms. Edwards, and I appreciate that. See you next week." He left the papers on his desk and grabbed his jacket and briefcase from his chair. There was an exit that led directly to the staff parking lot and he left us alone.

Clare grabbed my hand and started pulling me back through the main door. "That's wonderful," she said. "We can get started right away. I was getting nervous because I only really did props last year since Declan had done all the set design and the scenery was built before I joined the play. But it sounds like this is all going to work."

Clare had such a confident look on her face and she was so organized and on top of the details that all I could think about was getting on top of her. It was amazing to see her in her element. I was used to shy Clare who was tentative about everything so seeing her so self-assured was a huge turn on.

This hallway was usually pretty deserted but it was completely empty this late after school and I tugged on her hand into a space between two bays of lockers where a vending machine had probably once been. The wall was recessed and I knew even if someone looked down the hallway they wouldn't see us here.

"What are you…?" she tried to ask, but I cut her off, claiming her lips with mine.

"I didn't realize that stage manager Clare was so…sexy," I murmured into her neck. She moaned a little and tried to push me away.

"I need to get back to the auditorium before tryouts are over."

"Are you sure?" I took her earlobe between my teeth.

"Eli," she moaned, and I knew she was into this. I put my hand on her shoulder and moved her so that she was against the wall, pushing into her with the slightest pressure.

Her arms came up around my shoulders and I pulled her shirt out of her khaki pants and slipped my hand into her bra. She felt so silky and I wished we were back in her bedroom so I could see her beautiful naked skin. Part of me was still surprised at how much progress we had made this weekend, and I was so glad Clare trusted me and wanted me. Her purity vow had made me very nervous that she wouldn't be interested in doing anything sexual until marriage; I could wait for the final act, but I wanted to make her feel good in any way she would let me.

My other hand pulled her leg up around my hip and held her to me to and my surprise Clare jumped up and wrapped both legs around me as I held her against the wall. I wished she was wearing a skirt, though the uniforms skirts were so long it would probably prevent me from thrusting against her as her tongue did amazing things inside my mouth.

"Oh, Clare," I groaned. "If you only knew all the things I want to do to you."

"Like what?" she asked so innocently that I had to take a deep breath to keep myself from having a very embarrassing problem.

My mouth was on her ear. "I want to strip off all your clothes and put my tongue inside you until you scream my name."

Her head fell back. "God, Eli."

Her reaction seemed like a victory to me and when her hand moved down my body and cupped me through my pants, I reluctantly pushed it away. "We can't do that here. But it's a lot less messy for me to get you off. Would you like that?" I asked as my other hand tugged on her nipple. "Can I finger you? Will you come for me in the middle of the hallway?"

I was half expecting her to stop me, but her response was a desperate, "Please," that almost killed me. I unzipped her khakis and let her slip to the ground so I could reach her. She was so wet and although it was awkward to do this with her pants on, it seemed like she was really enjoying it.

I wrapped my other arm around her to help her hold herself up and kissed her to muffle the incredibly sexy noises she was making. She gripped my polo shirt in her fist as she got closer. I pushed her against the locker to keep her from buckling as she twitched and shuddered.

"I can't believe…we just did that…in school," she said, completely out of breath.

"Well, you did promise if I joined Drama Club, you'd make my dreams come true," I joked. I watched as she fixed her pants and tucked in her shirt. I patted her curls to help her look like she didn't practically have sex against a locker.

She grabbed my hand as we walked back toward the auditorium. "Just wait, Eli. It may be a long wait, but I promise you I'll make your dreams come true."

I grinned at her and stopped and forced her to look at me. "I'll hold you to that."

She blushed and gave me a quick kiss. "I love you."

Could this moment get any more perfect? "I love you, too."


	8. Who Needs Happiness I'd Rather Have You

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**This takes place approximately three weeks after the last chapter.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 8

"Auuughhh," I groaned as I slammed my locker shut after school.

"Everything okay, Clare?" Adam asked.

Of course Adam was there. I thought that since Eli had detention today I'd get a few minutes to breathe but of course, Adam was there to fill in. "You know, Adam," I said with uncharacteristic anger in my voice. "I don't need a babysitter. Why don't you just leave so your mom doesn't get pissed off at you and before I lose my mind?"

Adam looked chagrined. "I'm sorry, Clare. I've been arguing with Eli about this for weeks but he insisted. He's just trying to look out for you."

I took a step closer to Adam and lowered my voice. "Fitz has been back for a month and he hasn't said a word to me. It's over. Eli needs to let it go, and you need to stop letting him force you into doing things you don't want to do."

Adam narrowed his eyes. "First of all, while I disagree with Eli's methods, I'm here because I'm your friend and because I'm worried about you. And I asked if you were okay because you seriously look like you're about to go crazy and if there's something I can do to help you, I want to."

I immediately felt terrible about yelling at him. "I'm sorry, Adam. I'm just stressed out and Eli's not helping much." I saw Alli coming down the hallway toward me. "There's no Drama Club today, so I'm going to the Dot with Alli to celebrate her first day back at Degrassi. And hopefully that will give me some time to relax."

"Then I'll let her take over Clare-watch," Adam joked. I rolled my eyes as he grinned and walked away.

Alli ran up to me and threw her arms around me. "I'm back!"

We both squealed a little as I squeezed her. "Okay, now tell me everything."

"Let's get some coffee first. We're going to need our energy for this."

We made small talk as we walked to the Dot. She filled me in on her new schedule and I told her a little bit about what was going on with the play. I couldn't wait to get to the Dot though because I really wanted to know what was going on with her.

Last Saturday, Sav called me, which was pretty weird to begin with, to ask me if I had seen or heard from Alli. He explained that she had gotten into some trouble and that she had left and they hadn't heard anything from her. I wanted to go out looking for her, but he convinced me it would be best if I stayed home in case she tried to come here. We hadn't really been in touch over the last few weeks since I was so busy with the play and with Eli and I had no idea what she was dealing with.

When she didn't return home by Saturday night, I was a wreck. My mom was so concerned about me that she let me invite Eli over and we stayed up most of the night on the couch, waiting by the phone for any news. He was so sweet and patient with me as I ran through every terrible scenario I could come up with. We fell asleep snuggled on the couch together and we woke up to the phone ringing. It was Mrs. Bhandari, frantically asking me if I had any ideas where Alli could have gone.

I had gone through the list of people Alli could have been with in my head the night before and one name came to mind that I thought was pretty unlikely but worth looking into: Johnny DeMarco. I didn't hear back for hours but finally I got a call from Sav that she was home safe and a text from Alli apologizing for making us worry. I wasn't sure what happened after that but Alli emailed me the next day saying she was coming back to Degrassi this Friday and we'd catch up then.

We ordered hot chocolates at the counter and when we turned around to find a seat, Fitz walked through the door. He met my gaze but didn't say anything; he just sat down at a table in the corner and started looking through the menu.

I tugged on Alli's sleeve. "We can't stay here. Let's go somewhere private." I knew if Eli found out I was here when he was here, he wouldn't let me out of his sight even more than usual.

We walked down the street to the bench where Eli and I had gone when we cut class the first day we became friends. "Okay, tell me everything."

Alli looked down at her drink. "Well, I know I told you that everything at my school was going great, but the truth is…it was pretty awful. You and Jenna are the only girls I've ever gotten along with and going to a school full of them was a nightmare. It didn't help that I somehow managed to pick the strictest Catholic school in the whole city and once some of the girls found out I was Muslim, I was persona non grata."

I gave Alli a sympathetic look. Degrassi had its share of issues but people were pretty accepting here. She continued, "This girl was throwing a wild party at her house Friday night and I was the only person not invited, and you know me, I just can't leave well enough alone. I snuck out of the house, dressed up in a dress that didn't really leave much the imagination and crashed the party. Since I wasn't exactly best friends with any of the girls, no one gave me the heads up that the guy I was flirting with was the boyfriend of Katherine Marsh, the leader of the evil bitches."

I giggled a little but Alli looked ashamed. "We ended up kissing. He was the one that started it and I was just happy that someone was giving me any attention but then Katherine walked in on us. She started screaming and I just left and ran home, but my parents caught me sneaking in."

She sniffled a little and I put my arm around her. "The next morning our entire front lawn was covered with toilet paper and signs that called me a slut. One of the signs even used an ethnic slur that I can't even repeat it was so awful. My parents blamed me, even though it was those horrible girls, and I just couldn't take it. I never would have kissed him if I knew he had a girlfriend, you have to believe me, Clare."

"I know, Alli." For all her boy drama, she never went after a guy with a girlfriend.

"My parents were talking about sending me to boarding school in India and I freaked out. I packed a bag, snuck out the window and ran away. I thought about coming to your house but I knew that would be the first place they looked. I bought this blond wig and big sunglasses and spent most of the day walking around the city. It was fun at first but once it got dark and I was really hungry but I only had a couple of dollars on me, I started to get scared. I was pretty close to the U of T campus at that point and for some reason, all I could think of was Johnny."

"I was so upset and I don't know, part of me felt like we left things so unfinished with us. I found this girl walking into a dorm building and explained the situation and she let me look up his address in her school directory. I knocked on his dorm room and there he was. He had short hair but other than that, he was exactly the same."

Alli had a small smile on her face and though I hoped seeing him helped her, I really hoped she wasn't going to tell me they were back together. He had treated her so badly when he was at Degrassi and I hated to see her going down that road again.

"We went to the cafeteria and ate dinner and things felt really nice. I told him about my parents and the school switch and he told me about his classes. When we went back to his room, he kicked out his roommate and we started talking about our relationship and what had happened between us. He apologized for how he treated me." Alli glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. "And then things kind of…escalated."

"You slept with him?"

"Clare, I really need to you be my best friend right now and not Ms. Goody-Two-Shoes Judgmental girl."

I felt awful for giving her that impression. "I'm not judging. I'm just shocked. How did that happen?"

"We were just talking and then he kissed me. And we took things pretty slow but for some reason, I just really wanted to experience that with him on my terms. Not in a smelly van when I was too young and too confused. I didn't do it to get him back or to keep him. I just wanted to have one good experience…it was…it was a lot better than the first time. I don't regret it at all."

Now that I was with Eli, I understood a lot better what Alli meant but I was still pretty shocked. "Are you guys together now?"

Alli shook her head. "We're going to stay in touch but we're not going to be together. It's too complicated with him in college and me in high school, not to mention my parents."

"What happened with that? Did you stay with him? Or did you go home?"

"I stayed over at his dorm, and in the morning we were woken up by Sav banging on the door. I hid in the closet and Johnny swore he hadn't seen me but I could tell Sav didn't believe him. He told Johnny that if I contacted him that he should tell me I needed to go home, that I was killing Mom and Dad, and that they were willing to sit down and listen to me. He was practically in tears and I realized how badly I was hurting my family, so I texted my mom right away and told her I was okay, and left about an hour later."

"Is everything okay with them? How did they let you come back to Degrassi?" I heard my cell phone buzz, but I ignored it.

"I told them the truth about how those girls were treating me and why I snuck out and even that I kissed a boy and how that got me in trouble. My Dad was really horrible at first, but my mom talked some sense into him. She was the one who suggested I go back to Degrassi and that I'd be better off with friends like you than being around those mean girls. I think the things the girls wrote about me really shook her up."

"You know if you're ever in a bad situation, you can come to me, right? You don't have to let it get that bad."

Alli hugged me. "I know, Clare. I wish I hadn't tried to pretend everything was okay." She pulled back to look at me. "And you're sure you're not mad at me for sleeping with Johnny? It was a one time thing, I swear, and we used protection, and…"

"Seriously, Alli. It's okay. I…" I wasn't sure how much I wanted to tell her. "I understand what it's like to want to be that close to someone."

Alli's jaw dropped. "Clare Edwards, explain yourself this instant."

I looked down at my folded hands, noticing the glint of the sun's rays on my ring. "I haven't had sex with Eli. But part of me definitely wants to. And we've done…other things."

"Wow," Alli's eyes sparkled. "I never thought I'd hear you say that. I guess things with you and Eli are going really well then." I bit my lip, trying to figure out how to respond. "Clare?" she pressed.

"It's just…when we're alone together, things between us are just amazing. Even when we're cleaning his room, which can be stressful, I feel like things are great between us. He slept over my house a few weeks ago and I just loved being in his arms. At the movies, we have a great time or at dinner with his parents. He's always surprising me with romantic picnics or by bringing me Hershey's kisses when I have my period. We laugh and we talk about books and movies and he's amazing at editing my English essays. I feel like we get so much out of being together."

I could feel my cheeks turning red. "And when we get physical, he brings out this side of me that I didn't even know I had. It's so intense and so powerful, and I really love being with him, even if it is making this purity pledge a lot harder to keep than I expected.

"Sounds pretty perfect."

I sighed. "But at school, it's a different story. Since Fitz came back to Degrassi, Eli won't let me out of his sight. He somehow manages to walk me in between classes even when I know he's supposed to be on the opposite side of the building, he picks me up every morning so that I won't get to school before he does, and he even joined drama club just to make sure I wouldn't be at school without him. Last week he was out with a stomach virus and he must have enlisted every person he knows to take over, because even your brother came up to me after school with a thinly veiled excuse of asking how the musical was going."

"Maybe Eli just wants to spend time with you. He doesn't have a lot of other friends. Maybe he doesn't realize that it's too much."

I shook my head. "It's more than that. He thinks he's protecting me from Fitz. And I get that Fitz really scared him. But he's been back at school for a month and he hasn't even said a word to me. If he had some diabolical scheme to hurt me, he would have done it by now. So now all I have is an insane boyfriend who won't give me any space."

"I'm surprised he let you come to the Dot with me," Alli joked.

"He had detention," I said. "I didn't tell him." My cell phone buzzed again, and I was sure it was Eli, trying to figure out where I was.

"Clare, this isn't healthy."

"I know."

"You need to talk to him. If he wants to share all the sweet dates and hot sexitimes with you and keep you happy, he's got to back off. It sounds like he's being more protective than my brother, and that's almost impossible."

"Sometimes I think it's all in my head. I mean, I was the one who suggested he join drama club. And I love spending time with him – but it just can't be all of the time. I can't remember the last time the two of us hung out with Adam and you and I have barely spoken in months." I finished the last of my hot chocolate and set the empty cup down on the bench next to me.

"You need to tell him how you feel, Clare. Or else you're just going to end up resenting him. And from what I can see, he makes you really happy. Don't lose that because you let your feelings bottle up until you can't take it and have to break up."

"You're right. I know you're right…I just don't want to hurt him."

"If you don't, you're only hurting yourself…Okay, enough of this being sad business," Alli said, trying to lighten the mood. "So how far have you and Eli gotten?"

"Alli!"

"Hey, I told you about me and Johnny."

I knew she wasn't going to let this go. "Umm…well, we haven't had sex."

Alli rolled her eyes. "Yes, I got that."

"And we haven't…you know."

Alli batted her long eyelashes. "No, clearly I don't know."

Ugh, this was torture. "The other kind of sex."

She raised her eyebrows. "Oral?"

"We haven't done that." I blushed, remember what Eli had said to me in the hallway. We've had a few moments of private time since then, but hadn't had an opportunity to try anything new.

When I didn't offer any more information, Alli squealed. "Does that mean you've done everything else?"

I nodded, knowing I probably looked like a tomato. "Oh my God, Clare, how was it? I want to know all the details. Like, how big is Eli? And were you naked or did you just touch under clothes? And…" Alli gasped and pinched my arm. "Eli's coming."

"What?" I looked over my left shoulder and saw Eli walking towards us, his backpack slung over his shoulder. I knew I was supposed to feel happy when I saw my boyfriend, but I just wanted to spend the afternoon with Alli.

He sat down next to me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. "Hey, I looked for you at the Dot but you weren't there. I texted you a few times."

"Yeah, we've been talking so I was ignoring my phone."

"It's nice to see you, Alli," Eli said. "Glad that you got home safe. Clare was really worried."

"Eli!" I had tried to deemphasize just how much Alli's disappearance had scared me since I knew she was going through a lot.

"It's okay, Clare. I know I screwed everything up, but now that I'm back at Degrassi, you won't have to worry about me." She leaned over to give me a hug. "I should probably get going anyway. I'm pretty much grounded for life; I had to beg my mom to let me meet up with you today."

I couldn't help but feel like Alli and I were just starting to catch up, and that if Eli hadn't shown up she wouldn't have been so quick to leave. "Bye, Alli," I said, trying to inject a bit of cheer into my voice. "I'll talk to you soon."

"He's the one you need to talk to," she whispered before she pulled back.

I knew she was right. I just didn't know how to tell Eli I needed some space without breaking his heart.


	9. Lloyd I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Well, things are going to start getting pretty dark for a while. Please stick through it. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel.**

**This chapter switches between Clare and Eli's POVs. (Sorry if this emailed you twice about the chapter. I just needed to fix the missing POV line. Thanks AlbatrossTam14!)  
**

* * *

Chapter 9

I finished my math test early, so I had pulled a copy of Not That Kind of Girl out of my backpack and was trying to read, but I couldn't really focus. It had been a week since my talk with Alli, and I still hadn't talked to Eli about our relationship. I should have told him right there and then on the bench, but of course, I talked myself out of it.

We spend the weekend working on his room and while we made a lot of progress, every time I suggested that we call Adam and go to a movie or that I might want to go see Jenna for a little bit, Eli came up with an excuse for why I needed to stay there with him. Ordinarily I enjoyed our weekends together, but being together so much of the time was starting to push me to my breaking point.

I was just about ready to bring it up when he found a picture of him and Julia that his mother had taken before their first date and he burst into tears. Instead of talking about my feelings, I spent the rest of the night comforting him. The only good thing was that since he was so upset, he didn't try to get physical with me. I didn't think I would have been a very happy participant given how I was feeling.

"Clare," Mr. Armstrong called me up to his desk. "Could you bring this note to the office for me? You can bring your stuff with you since there's only a few minutes to the bell."

I made it to the office in record time and decided to go to my locker to dump off the books I didn't need. I was entering the combination when I heard a voice behind me.

"This is the first time I've seen you without your bodyguards in almost two months."

I whirled around to see Fitz. He leaned against the locker next to mine. Even though I knew he wasn't a threat to me, my heart fluttered a bit with nerves. "Shouldn't you be in class?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even.

He held up a hall pass. "You don't have one. But I guess even if they catch you, you won't be in trouble."

"I was running an errand for Mr. Armstrong."

"Sure, you were." Fitz's face grew serious. "Listen, I just wanted to thank you for helping me. Even though you didn't tell the board to let me back in, Simpson told me you didn't give him a reason to change his mind. And I have no idea how you've managed to keep Eli from fighting me considering the looks he gives me every time I see him in the hall, but I know it's all your doing, so thank you."

"No problem," I said softly. "How are things? Is it weird being back?"

"Well, aside from the fact that even more people than usual hate me because of the new rules, it's been about the same. It's going okay though. I'm even getting a B in English. Apparently having lots of free time when you're in juvie and actually reading the books, really helps you get good grades."

I laughed. "Who would have thought?" Fitz grinned and I was reminded of the sweet guy who brought me a corsage for the first time in a while.

The bell rang and Fitz took a step back. "I gotta go get my stuff. It was nice talking to you, Clare."

"You too," I said, sincerely. He waved as he backed away, turning around when he got to the end of the lockers.

"Why were you talking to him?"

Shit.

I whirled around and saw Eli staring at me with the most intense look of anger on his face. "Eli, we were just talking."

"I just don't understand after everything we've been through how you could just stand there and talk to him." His fists were clenched and for the first time ever, I was a little afraid for my safety.

"Eli, calm down. It was nothing. He just said hi and told me he was doing well in his English class."

Eli leaned back against the lockers, breathing hard. "I can't deal with this," he muttered, more to himself than me.

I put one hand on his hip and smoothed the other over his tension filled fist. "Eli, sweetheart, I need you to calm down."

"I need to get out of here." He looked straight into my eyes. "And you need to come with me."

"Eli, there's two more periods. We can't skip English. Ms. Dawes is still mad at us for last time."

"It's not safe for us here."

"You're not making any sense."

He put his hands on my shoulder. "Clare, I'm about five seconds away from losing my mind." I hadn't seen this look on his face since the time I cleaned out his locker and he had a panic attack in the middle of the hallway.

"Then we should go to Ms. Sovay's office."

"I need air." His breathing was labored. The hallway was emptying out as the bell was about to ring and I knew I had to make a decision quickly.

"Okay," I said finally.

He wrapped his arm around my tightly and marched me to the door.

* * *

I could tell things were starting to deteriorate between Clare and me and when I saw the Power Squad rose sale, I thought I'd surprise Clare and leave one for her in her locker. She hadn't complained or anything but we had spent the whole weekend together and she hadn't even kissed me once. I wasn't sure exactly what was happening, but I hoped she would talk to me about it.

I slipped out of class a minute before the bell when my science teacher had his back turned. Clare usually didn't go back to her locker until after school and I wanted it to be there when we arrived after English.

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her at her locker, and I was about to hand her the rose in person when Fitz approached. I slipped into a nook in the wall where the water fountain was so I could hear their conversation and jump out at any time if he hurt Clare.

She could have…Simpson asked her if there was a reason Fitz shouldn't come back to Degrassi and she didn't give him one. She swore to me that she wouldn't help him, but she could have prevented it and she didn't.

My current location suddenly felt advantageous because I knew if I didn't get an anxiety pill inside me immediately, I was going to tear Fitz limb from limb. I took two out of my pocket stash and washed them down at the fountain. The bell rang and I saw the Fitz was walking away from Clare with a smile on his face. I threw the rose into the water fountain and snuck up behind her.

I couldn't control my rage and I knew I was upsetting Clare but I just couldn't help it. I didn't feel even a modicum of relief until she agreed to leave school with me.

By the time we had made it to the bench that seemed to be our cutting class location the pills had taken effect and I was already feeling a lot better. I sat down close to Clare and she scooted over a few inches to put some distance between us.

Shit. I needed to fix this.

"I'm sorry I freaked out on you. You know when I see him my brain just shuts off."

"You need to get some help, Eli."

I felt defensive. "I already have a psychiatrist, Clare. I'm trying the best I can. I was doing great until he came back."

"Yeah, well, he's back now. So you need to deal with it, and not freak out that he's going to hurt me. We had a whole conversation and I'm fine."

I took a few deep breaths to steady myself. I wondered if I could sneak an extra pill out of my pocket without Clare noticing because the tension was still there.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I reached out for her hand. She laced her fingers in mine, but her focus was clearly elsewhere.

"Can we change the subject? Since we're probably going to be in trouble for skipping on Monday, we should probably enjoy this while we can," I said.

Clare smiled a little. "We could talk about the dance."

My face fell. I had been looking forward to the first formal dance since I started attending Degrassi for a while. I would take any excuse to dress up and sweep Clare off her feet.

And then I discovered the dance was on April 22. The day Julia died.

I couldn't believe she had been gone for two years. I could still remember the last kiss we shared. Even after all this time, even after doing what I could to move on, the thought that I would never speak to her again, never make love to her again, just broke my heart. Especially since if it weren't for me, she would still be here.

Last year, I had spent the anniversary of her death in a drunken stupor. I took a couple of pills and drank a ton, and while I wasn't trying to kill myself, the fact that I didn't die was almost pure luck. I didn't want to do that again this year but the thought of being at a school dance, putting on a happy face in front of all of those people felt wrong. I couldn't celebrate; I needed to be alone. But being alone was dangerous, so I needed to be with Clare.

"I've been thinking. Maybe instead of going to the dance, we could get a hotel room for the night." Clare's eyes widened. "I'm not suggesting that we have sex. I swear, it's not about that. It's just, that night that we spent at your house was amazing, and we haven't really had an opportunity to be alone since then. You could tell your parents you're sleeping at Alli's and we can rent a bunch of movies and get room service and we wouldn't have to worry about dressing up and dancing to a bunch of bad music in front of people we don't even like."

Clare was looking at me incredulously. "But I want to go to the dance. Alli's finally back at Degrassi and she doesn't have a date and I promised I'd go with her so she's not alone, and things with Adam and Fiona are so weird right now that they definitely need our support. It's probably the last fun even that Jenna will ever go to since I think she's due only a week or two later."

Her voice turned resolute. "I like dressing up and I like dancing, and I want to have a fun night out with our friends." She blushed. "I'd consider getting a hotel room for afterward, because I do want to be with you, but I'm not willing to skip the dance. I need to spent time with my friends, Eli."

I couldn't tell her about Julia. I couldn't make her think that I was still hung up on my ex, when all I wanted right now was to be with her. But I couldn't go to the dance. It would kill me. "We need time together, away from everyone. Just the two of us." I put my arm around her and she immediately moved away.

"Stop it! You're suffocating me." She stood and faced me.

"Clare, what are you…?" Oh God. I fucked this up. I fucked this up.

"Between the babysitting me between classes and coming to every drama club meeting whether you have something to do or not, and forcing me to spend every weekend cleaning up your room…I love spending time with you Eli, but enough is enough. I'm going to the dance and if you don't want to, that's fine. But I can't spend every waking moment of my life with you."

"Clare…" my voice trailed off. I didn't know what I could say to make this better.

Clare's voice softened, "I realize you're going through a rough time, Eli, but I can't be your everything."

"Are you…?" A deluge of tears started to fall but I squinted through the rivers, ignoring the trails that marked my face. "Are you breaking up with me?"

Clare sat down next to me and grabbed both of my hands. "No, Eli. I want to be with you. But things have to change."

"I'll do anything. I swear. I can't lose you, Clare."

I saw a moment of hesitation in Clare's face, and I held onto her hands for dear life. "Why don't we spend the weekend apart? I've got a ton of homework to do anyway, and my Dad really wants to take me to my grandmother's house at some point. I'll see you Monday at school and we can talk more then," she suggested.

The thought of spending two days without Clare nearly sent me into a panic. But I tried to keep cool. "Yeah, that sounds good."

She eyed me warily. "And the dance?"

I cringed. I felt like I was either going to lose Clare or spit on Julia's memory. Neither option sounded appealing. But Clare was here, and Julia was gone and I knew what I had to do. "I'll be there. We'll dance and hang out with everyone and then I'll bring you home."

I couldn't tell if Clare was relieved or disappointed. She looked at her watch and then gave me a quick hug. "I think I'm going to head back for English class. Are you coming?"

I shook my head. "I need a few minutes."

Clare stood and backed away slowly as if she were afraid of me. "I'll tell Ms. Dawes you're sick. And I'll see you Monday."

"Bye," I whispered.

I watched her walk away and it felt ominous. When Julia left my house, I never thought for a second that I wouldn't see her again. But right now, I felt like I was losing Clare, that she wanted to walk away from me.

I waited until she had turned the corner and then swallowed another pill. It went right down.


	10. The One You Really Love

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**My only preface is this: Don't hate me. I've written you 20ish stories. Just trust me.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 10

I slung my backpack onto the picnic table and took out my math homework. It was a little embarrassing to admit it, but I was hiding from Eli. He was at his psychiatrist's appointment, but when he dropped me off at my house after school, he suggested that he come over once his appointment was finished. I told him my mom was taking me to babysit for my cousin out in Oshawa while she and my aunt spent some quality time together, and that my aunt was really strict and wouldn't allow me to have a boy over while I babysat.

I talked to him last week about how spending so much time together was suffocating me but he didn't seem to get what I meant. I spent Saturday with my father at Grandma's house and I had to turn my cell phone off so that the constant buzz of his texts didn't interrupt our conversation. I had wanted to spend Sunday alone, but he called up in a panic that he had lost the Chuck Palahniuk ticket from our first date and he was inconsolable until I came over and helped him look for it. Then Drama Club Monday through Thursday meant this was the first moment I had without Eli in a week.

So it was a matter of self-preservation that I was in hiding. When I went to the Ravine with Alli when we were in Grade 9, I got a little confused on my way back to the road and I discovered this out of the way picnic table on the other side of the small forest. It was close enough to the road that I didn't feel unsafe, but far enough back that you wouldn't see it if you walked past. Although I had been tempted to bring Eli here, I never had, and I was grateful to have one space that was still just mine.

I tried to concentrate on my Algebra II assignment but I couldn't stop thinking about Eli. What kind of relationship did we have that I had to lie to him to be alone? I thought back to our first date, how sweet he was when my parents were separating, how he turned me down when I threw myself at him for the wrong reasons. He was the guy I wanted to throw secret parties with and have incredible sexy makeout sessions with.

So why wasn't I happy?

And maybe more importantly, why was he so unhappy?

It had gotten to the point that I knew it wasn't just about Fitz. There's only so irrational Eli could be about Fitz; he had clearly been avoiding both of us and trying to keep himself out of trouble. There was something else going on, and maybe if I could figure it out, I could get us back to the way we were.

"You're doing homework in the woods on a Friday afternoon?"

I practically jumped out of my skin. Fitz was standing next to the picnic table. "Fitz, you almost gave me a heart attack."

"What are you doing here, Edwards? I never would have pegged you for a Ravine kind of girl."

"The Ravine's over there," I pointed over my shoulder. "I'm way over here."

"I dunno," Fitz said. "A lot of bad people come through here. It might not be safe for a girl like you."

There was no threat in his voice; he was clearly teasing, but a tiny shiver went through my body. "I think I can handle it."

"Want some company?" he asked. He took a seat across from me before I could respond.

"Sure," I said with only a tiny bit of sarcasm in my voice. I shut my math book and looked at him expectantly.

"So what are you doing here? I can't imagine your boyfriend would let you wander off in the woods by yourself."

"I just wanted to be alone," I said, not meeting his eyes.

"Should I go?" Fitz asked.

I shook my head. "What are you doing here?"

He grinned. "Well, it's my birthday. So I was just headed to the ravine to celebrate."

Oh. I had a feeling Fitz's idea of celebrating was pretty different from mine. "If you need to go…I don't want to keep you."

He shrugged. "It can wait." He peered at me. "Clare, I don't want to pry. But you look awful."

"Gee thanks."

He rolled his eyes. "No, I mean, you look really upset." He folded his hands in front of him and looked down. "I know you told me not to comment on your relationship, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm a pretty good listener."

"How do you know it's Eli that's making me upset?" I grumbled. Fitz gave me a pointed look. "Fine," I said. I didn't really have anyone I could talk to about this.

I told him almost everything. I left out a few key makeout sessions and downplayed how much of a factor Fitz himself had been in this, but I told him about drama club and the babysitting detail and how he crashed my afternoon with Alli and wouldn't give me the weekend apart that I asked for.

"It's just never ending. I miss having some time to myself. I even lied to him today and told him I'd be out of town so he couldn't find me."

"That sounds pretty bad," Fitz said. "Are you sure you still want to be with him?"

"I know I do. I…" I hesitated for a second. "I really love him. But sometimes I think the guy I'm dating now isn't the guy I originally fell for."

Fitz was fidgeting a little in his seat and I felt back for putting so much on him on his birthday. "Do you know what's going on with him? Is there a specific reason why he's changed some much?"

I couldn't tell him that the only explanation I had come up with was that he was so obsessed with the idea of Fitz hurting me that we was making himself crazy. "I really don't know. He's just not acting like himself. You're a guy. Do you have any ideas what could make a guy act so weird to the girl he supposedly loves?"

Fitz hesitated. "Maybe it has something to do with whatever drug he's on."

I rolled my eyes. "Eli doesn't do drugs."

"Half the time when I see him at school, his eyes are all fucked up like he's high. And it's pretty noticeable because the rest of the time he's giving me death glares."

"Eli wouldn't do that." He told me he had smoked pot with Julia once or twice at parties but that he wasn't a huge fan, so I couldn't imagine he had suddenly developed a drug habit. Plus I would notice, right? He never smelled like smoke or anything.

"Are you sure? Because I've got a stepfather who's a drug addict and it's not like I've never gotten high before."

"I'm sure," I said resolutely. But Fitz had definitely given me pause, and I did recall a few occasions where Eli seemed a little out of it and his eyes were glassy. "He wouldn't do that," I repeated with a little less conviction.

"I hope you're right." I raised my eyebrows, surprised Fitz would care, and he added. "For your sake. I know how bad it is for my mom to be with an addict." Fitz looked so sad that I reached over the table and squeezed his hand.

I wanted to change the subject. "I'm sorry you're spending your birthday listening to me complain."

"No big deal."

"What would you be doing if I weren't here right now?"

Fitz's smirk reminded me of Eli and I had to look away. "You probably do not want to know the answer to that question."

Something about being in the woods alone with him made me feel a little bit brave. "Try me."

"Every heard of birthday head?"

My jaw dropped slightly and my cheeks flamed. I hadn't expected him to be so blunt. "I didn't know you had a girlfriend," I said shyly.

He laughed. "I don't."

My eyes widened and Fitz laughed at my surprise. "Trust me, I'd rather have a girlfriend than casual sex in a smelly old van but sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to."

"I can't even imagine…doing something that intimate with someone I didn't care about."

"Well, I can't imagine you doing that at all. No, wait, yes I can," he teased. I didn't think my face could get any redder. I was really curious about trying that with Eli, but I wanted to wait until he and I had worked out our issues.

Fitz must have noticed the change in my expression from embarrassment to sadness. "And even when I try to change the subject, it still all comes back to Eli."

"I'm sorry…it's just weighing so heavily on my mind," I said.

"What do you think you guys will need to do to fix this?"

I thought for a minute. "He'd have to tell me what's wrong. And I'd help him through it no matter what, but I could only stay in a relationship with him if he was willing to give me some space."

Fitz looked surprised. "So if he can't do that, you're going to break up with him?"

I was on the verge of tears when I nodded. "Part of me just feels like a terrible girlfriend. Eli's obviously going through something right now, something important, or he wouldn't be acting like this. And clearly if he's getting this clingy, being with me must help him somehow. I feel like I'm being selfish, wanting to push him away when all he wants is to be with me."

I covered my face as the avalanche of tears fell. I glanced at Fitz through my fingers and was surprised at the look of tenderness he was giving me.

He came around the table and took me into his arms, straddling the bench to bring me closer to him. I collapsed into his arms, grateful for the first time today that I was not alone.

Fitz wasn't very built, but he was a lot taller than Eli and a little bigger, and he felt really solid to me. His arms held me with a steadiness that was really appealing as I fell apart. He raised his hand slowly and wiped the tears from my cheek with his thumb.

"Maybe you and Eli need to take a break. Maybe if he's forced to spend some time apart from you, he'll realize what he's missing out on." Fitz's words caressed my ear and I felt myself melting in his arms.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was accepting comfort from a guy who was practically a stranger, who had hurt the man I loved more deeply than I even truly understood. But Fitz was steady in a way Eli was not, and I couldn't bring myself to ask him to stop.

I pulled back a little and Fitz's eyes searched mine. "Clare," he whispered. I wasn't sure if he had ever called me by name before, but if he had, it had never sounded like that. His eyes skipped down to my lips and I sucked in a breath as I realized what he was about to do. I tensed up, knowing that I needed to push him away and knowing that this was wrong, but as his lips met mine I couldn't help myself.

The kiss was very gentle and for a moment I could pretend we were just friends and this was just comfort, but then his mouth opened mine and our tongues met. I knew it was wrong and I knew I had to stop it, but I couldn't help but kiss back momentarily as his sweetness and comfort washed over me. It felt so good, but it felt so different from...

Eli.

I pushed Fitz away, gasping for breath though the kiss had been short. "I can't...Oh my God..." I couldn't believe I had let Fitz kiss me, that I had kissed him back. It was the ultimate betrayal. "I can't do this. I love Eli."

"Clare, it's okay," Fitz said softly.

"No. This is wrong," I said, more firmly than I intended. I climbed to my feet, grabbing my bag and stuffing my math book back into it. "This didn't happen." I caught a glimpse of sadness in Fitz's eye that made me feel even worse than before.

"I love Eli," I repeated, feeling the desperation rise in my voice. "Please don't tell anyone."

"I won't," Fitz promised. "And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." He sounded sincere, but also just a tiny bit heartbroken. I didn't know why he was apologizing because I was the one who was wrong.

"I have to go." I took off as fast as I could, stumbling over branches in my haste to get away from him. I didn't know how I could fix this, but I knew Eli could never find out.


	11. I Wanna Be Sedated

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Note: This chapter takes place at the same time as the last one.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 11

I shifted in my seat uncomfortably as Dr. Loughner peered over his glasses at me. My foot was tapping out a beat faster than most of the songs on Dead Hand's latest album.

"Eli, you seem especially agitated today. Is there anything in particular that happened today or this week? You look more nervous than your first visit here and I thought we had made a lot of progress."

I bit my lip. The only thing I was nervous about was walking out of this office without a prescription in my hand. I only had six pills left and I was pretty sure I'd need one by the time this hour was over. But I knew if I was going to convince Dr. Loughner that I needed more I was really going to have to lay this on thick.

I pulled the picture of Julia and me that I had found when Clare and I were cleaning my room out of my pocket and handed it to him. "I found this in my room and I was trying to throw it away but I just couldn't. It was our first date and we went to the movies and we saw Iron Man and…" I took a deep breath. I intended this display of emotion to be for show, but I could feel some tears prickling at my eyes. I thought I had gotten that all out of my system when I cried in Clare's arms when I found it, but clearly I was wrong.

He looked at the picture and then handed it back to me. I took it with a shaking hand. "Eli, this is exactly the type of item that you can keep. It meets all of the criteria. It has a lot of meaning for you. You just need to find a place for it. What made you think you had to throw this away?"

"It's just whenever I try to clean my room I feel like I have to get rid of everything. Like I'm suffocating under the piles of stuff and I just want to be free, and then when I find something that really does have meaning, I'm so conflicted."

Dr. Loughner narrowed his eyes. "That sounds like the opposite reaction of what you usually experience. How long have you been feeling this way?"

Shit. I was taking this too far. "I don't know. A few weeks I guess."

"Do you know what might have caused you to feel that way?"

This I could handle. "It's my girlfriend, Clare. She was really supportive in the beginning when I was throwing out old popcorn containers and broken pieces of things, but now that most of the things that are left remind me of Julia, she's started pressuring me to throw them out."

"I'm surprised to hear you say this since she's been so supportive of you in the past, but perhaps you should try to work on your room without Clare's help if she's causing you distress. These are decisions you're going to have to make for yourself and if she is making that difficult for you, you might need to reevaluate your relationship."

Great. Even my therapist thought Clare needed to get away from me. "But I love her, and I want to make her happy and I can't do that unless I get rid of Julia."

Dr. Loughner put on that serious face that he always made when he had to tell me something I didn't want to hear. "You know, we've talked about the recovery process before. When you're trying to make changes in your life, sometimes other people can stand in the way of your progress without meaning to. It's one of the reasons that recovering alcoholics and drug addicts are expected to abstain from romantic relationships for at least a year after they start to treat their diseases."

Shit, this was backfiring. Instead of giving Dr. Loughner a reason why my anxiety had increased, I had given him the ammunition he needed to hurt me. I struggled to maintain my composure. "I can't do this without her. She's the only thing that gets me through the pain."

"She can give you support, Eli. But you can't trade one obsession for another. It's counterproductive to your recovery and will be emotionally damaging to both of you."

I tried to hold my breath in hopes of warding off the panic attack that I knew was coming. I tried to look like I was considering what Dr. Loughner had suggested.

He looked at the clock. "We only have about five minutes left. Is there anything else specifically you'd like to discuss?"

Here goes nothing. "Um, I do need a refill on my prescription."

Dr. Loughner nodded and went over to his desk, pulling a prescription pad out of his locked drawer. I let out a sigh of relief, but it was short lived as he dropped the pad on the desk and read something on my chart.

"Actually, Eli, there should be two refills left on that prescription. If you just call the pharmacy they'll refill it for you."

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Well, actually, I've already used those refills."

Dr. Loughner looked up in alarm. "That's 60 pills in less than two months. You're supposed to be taking them as needed. There's no need to take one every day unless you're having a panic attack or a severe case of anxiety."

"I guess I misunderstood," I mumbled.

"Eli, I gave you this prescription to help you cope with the extreme stress caused by your cleaning sessions. But if you don't take them properly, they can be habit forming. I don't want you to add a prescription drug dependency to your list of issues to deal with."

"I'll be more careful next time, I swear."

He shook his head. "I can't give you another prescription. The potential for abuse is too great." He looked thoughtful and I was strongly considering crossing the room and ripping the prescription pad out of his hand. "Why don't you bring your parents in with you next week and we can discuss your options for further treatment? You can set up an extra appointment with Susie on your way out."

I couldn't wait a week for more pills. I felt for the baggie in my pocket and clutched them in my hand. "I can't wait a week. I'm under too much stress. I have a panic attack every day. I try to control it without the pills, but I'm too weak."

Dr. Loughner looked disturbed and he glanced at the clock. "I have another patient coming in. But this is something we need to discuss. It sounded as if the cleaning was getting less stressful the last time we talked, and now it sounds as if there's more than the hoarding issue that's causing you anxiety."

I stood up, enraged. There was no pretense any more. I was so angry; I was out of control. "Everything causes me anxiety. My girlfriend doesn't want me to be around her anymore and if she breaks up with me, I'm not sure that life is worth living and Julia died and it's been two years and I miss her every day and I have to go to school every single day and see the guy who almost killed me and I just know he's dangerous and that he's going to hurt her the way that…" God, it was in my head again and I couldn't breathe and I knew I had to get out of here.

"Forget it. You don't want to help me. I'll figure this out for myself."

I tore through the waiting room, ran downstairs and jumped into Morty, turning on the engine to escape but realizing it wasn't safe to drive while I was so crazed. I swallowed two pills and stared at the bag, realizing I only had four left now and I was screwed. I couldn't face Clare without them. I couldn't exist on the same planet as Fitz without them.

I knew what I had to do. I drove across town, headed toward my old high school, a magnet school for creative arts students.

I hadn't been back since the last day of sophomore year. Things had gotten so bad for me there in that school year without Julia. Some of our former friends blamed me for her death. Kids I would hang out with at parties started shoving me into lockers when they saw me. Sometimes I'd walk down the hall and see a flash of black hair and feel certain her ghost was walking the hallway with me.

The memories were everywhere and where they left off, the bullies took over, and I begged my parents to let me transfer to Degrassi since that was the regular public school for the district we lived in. I had a friend or two left at that point, but we'd lost touch and I didn't really miss them. But there was one guy I knew who could help me.

Across the street from the school was a supermarket and I found a spot that could fit Morty and walked behind the store. I was lucky. Lurking in the shadows and smoking a cigarette was Steve Hasbert.

He tensed as I walked toward him but as he realized who I was his face lit up. "Eli Goldsworthy! I haven't seen you in what? A year?"

"Something like that," I said, shaking his hand and giving him a one armed hug.

"You were such a good customer. I missed you, man."

I knew he was exaggerating. I bought pot from him once when Julia wanted to try it, and pills from him maybe three times. He only knew my name because we were in the same math and science classes.

I lowered my voice. "You got any anti-anxiety pills? Xanax, Valium, Zoloft?" He shook his head. "Prozac, Celexa, Klonopin? I'll even take Paxil if that's what you've got."

"Nah, man. My mom's actually been taking her stash and my hookup is dry. The only thing I've got that'll do the trick is ketamine."

Shit. "Special K? Isn't that illegal?"

Steve laughed. "I'm pretty sure when you start picking up your prescription in an alley instead of Rexall's, everything becomes illegal."

He held out a little baggie of pills. "You're lucky I was able to get pills this time. It usually comes in powder and I don't think you want to inject this shit."

Yeah, buying drugs on the street corner was already a stretch. I wasn't going to start shooting up.

I was waging a mental war with myself. It was one thing to buy more of the stuff my doctor prescribed for me, and quite another to take stuff I wasn't even quite sure I knew anything about. But I only had four of my pills left and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself together around Clare for the next two weeks without some backup.

I'd buy them so I knew I had them if I needed them. But I'd ration out my current pills and only take these if I were desperate. "How much?" I held out a wad of bills and he raised his eyebrows.

"This'll cover it."

I slipped the baggie into my pocket, feeling nervous for the first time.

"Nice seeing you, bro," he said. "Feel free to come back any time."

I waved as I took off. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.


	12. Not an Addict

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Note: This takes place directly following the last two chapters. It alternates between Eli and Clare's perspectives.  
**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 12

I knew something was wrong when I pulled into the driveway and saw Cece sitting on the front steps smoking a cigarette. She had quit when she found out she was pregnant with me and only smoked when she was really upset.

She stood up and flicked away the cigarette as I walked over to her. "Come inside," she said softly, not sounding at all like herself.

She gestured to the chair. Bullfrog was sitting on the couch already and she joined him. I felt like I was in the middle of an intervention.

"Dr. Loughner called."

Fuck. "I guess there's no such thing as doctor-patient confidentiality anymore."

"There isn't when he suspects that a minor is abusing his prescription drugs," Bullfrog growled.

"We're really concerned about you," Cece said. "You didn't even tell us he had you on anti-anxiety meds. You come home from your appointments and tell us you're fine, but clearly you're not."

"Look, I'm not abusing anything. It was a misunderstanding."

Bullfrog looked at me in disbelief. "Misunderstanding my ass."

Cece put her hand on his arm. "Well, we'd like to hear your explanation."

My parents knew just enough that I might be able to convince them. "Well, Dr. Loughner gave me the pills because he knew I was having panic attacks every time I attempted to throw out stuff in my room. But ever since Fitz has been back at school, every time I see him, I flash back to Vegas night. I picture him with a knife in his hand, threatening me and Clare and I just can't handle it. So sometimes I have to take them at school as well."

Cece's face softened but Bullfrog appeared unconvinced. "That doesn't add up to 60 pills."

"Well, I didn't want to tell you this, because I was really trying to stay out of trouble this time…but Fitz came up to me in the hallway and he made a comment about Clare that was just awful. I told him to back off, but he shoved me against a locker and told me he wished he had stabbed me so that he could be the one to fuck Clare. And he walked away but I freaked out, and I needed to take a pill. I didn't notice that he had come back until I had the bottle in my hands and he saw it and took it from me. He said he was going to sell them and walked away."

I forced a few tears out of my eyes. I had been crying so much lately it wasn't much of a stretch. "I had just gotten a refill and I had a few left, so he stole about 30 pills. It was last week and I've been having a tough time ever since. I didn't tell Dr. Loughner because I knew he wouldn't believe me, but you guys know what Fitz is like. He's a menace."

"Oh, honey," Cece said, coming over to give me a hug. "I'm sorry you're still going through such a hard time with this bully. We'll come with you to your next appointment and try to work something out. I'll go call the office and leave a message."

She ran up the stairs. Bullfrog stood up and walked over to me without a word. "Dad?"

"Your mother might believe that bullshit story, but I don't. Trust me, Eli, you do not want to go down this road."

Bullfrog's face was pained. "Get your shit together. You've got one chance. If I think you're still using, you're going to be in rehab so fast your head will spin. It took me way too long to learn my lesson and I'm not going to let you destroy your life."

Bullfrog had alluded to having a drug problem in the past but he had never been so explicit about it. It scared me that he thought I was on my way to becoming a full-blown addict.

"Okay," I said softly. He squeezed my shoulder and went upstairs as well.

I zoned out in front of the TV for a while since I didn't want to face my room. My parents left me alone and I was grateful. I checked my cell phone to see if Clare had texted. I wished she was home tonight.

The doorbell rang and I figured it was Adam. He sometimes showed up unexpectedly when his mother was in one of her uber-bitch moods.

But it wasn't Adam. It was Clare.

Her eyes looked a little red, and I reached my hand out to take hers. "What are you doing here? I thought you were babysitting in Oshawa."

"My aunt was sick, so I didn't have to go."

That didn't really explain while it looked like she had been crying. "Is everything okay?"

"It is now," she said, stepping closer to me and kissing me.

Her kiss was forceful and my back hit the wall in our small foyer. "Clare, my parents are home," I said when I could tear my lips from hers.

"Then let's go to your room." I watched her bound up the stairs as I stood dumbfounded. Where was this coming from? It seemed like things were really bad between us right now. Last time we really talked she was pushing me away and now she wanted to fool around?

Maybe she changed her mind. Maybe she wants things to work out.

Maybe she wants me.

I took the stairs two at a time to catch up with her.

* * *

I was glad that Eli seemed so shocked by my actions that it took him close to a minute to follow me up the stairs. I took a second to calm myself down. There was no reason to be so freaked out. I was here with Eli…exactly where I was supposed to be.

He closed the door behind him and latched it shut. He glided across the room and scooped me up in his arms. "Clare, I'm so glad you're here. I really think we need to talk about…"

I cut him off by kissing him but he pushed me away. "We should talk."

"Eli," I whispered, as seductively as I knew how. "We've spent weeks talking. All we do is talk. I just want to be with you. I've missed you."

Eli quirked an eyebrow at me as if he couldn't believe what I was saying. He looked conflicted and I knew he must be trying to figure out what my intentions were, since things had been so awkward between us and we hadn't fooled around in weeks.

"Please, Eli." I smoothed my hand over his hip and cupped him through his pants.

"I guess we can talk later," he said and I grinned as he backed me toward his bed. I scooted down so I was lying against his pillows and he crawled on top of me.

I kissed him again, making sure that I stayed in control. My mind flickered to the memory of my kiss with Fitz in the woods and though I tried to push it out of my mind, I couldn't help but make a comparison.

_This_ is what a kiss should be like.

It was about passion and love and desperation and sex and sweetness. It was about more than a moment in time; it felt like forever.

Eli was holding my hips as he rubbed himself against me. I felt like we were both wearing too much clothing so I pushed him back so I could sit up. I slipped my shirt over my head and tugged on his. He followed my lead but surprised me by pulling me onto his lap so that we were sitting up together. I wrapped my legs around his waist and brought us closer together so our skin kissed.

His fingers unclasped my bra and I was out of breath. I pulled back to look at him while he stroked my breasts.

For a second, there was a look of concern on his face but I let out a moan at his touch that must have convinced him how good he was making me feel. He moved to suck on my neck but I pushed him away so I could look into this eyes.

I kept trying to forget about what happened earlier but Fitz's warnings about Eli's potential drug use were standing out in my mind. I peered into his eyes but I couldn't really tell if there was anything wrong. His eyes were fairly dilated, but it was kind of dark in his cave of a room anyway; mine probably looked the same way. If he were high, any drug side effect was masked by the lust in his eyes.

I relaxed. Fitz didn't know Eli like I did. I didn't need to worry about anything other than him finding out what a horrible girlfriend I was.

I guess my worry was registering on my face, because Eli caressed my cheek. "What's wrong, Clare?"

I didn't really want to talk; I wanted to bring him pleasure not pain, but I knew he wasn't going to believe me when I said everything is okay. "I'm worried we're not going to be able to fix things between us."

He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mine. "Clare," he said with a pained expression. "I love you. And I know things have been bad lately and I know it's all my fault but trust me when I say I will fix this. I don't want to lose you."

I couldn't speak but I nodded, forcing a smile onto my face. I knew he was wrong. Things were bad because of him but now things were broken because of me. "I don't want to lose you either."

"I'm right here." He hugged me tightly and I rested my face in his neck. His hands were soft and comforting on my back and of course, my messed up mind reminded me of Fitz.

No. No. No. No.

I jumped off Eli's lap and stood next to the bed, unzipping my jeans and pulling off the remainder of my clothes. Eli raised an eyebrow. I had let him see me naked before but I had never made such a production out of it; usually I'd be lying down and he'd remove them for me, telling me how beautiful I was to make me feel more comfortable.

"Are you sure you want to keep going?" he asked with concern.

I leaned closer to the bed, which put my breasts right in his eye line and he couldn't look away. "What better way to show you how much I love you than to be with you."

The conflict in his eyes only lasted a few seconds this time. "You're right." His tongue met my nipple as I knelt next to him on the bed. He moved his hand between my legs but I pushed it away. This was about him tonight.

I maneuvered Eli until he was on his back as I lay astride him. "You're so aggressive tonight. I like it," Eli said.

Part of me felt embarrassed but mostly I was glad that this was working. I moved down his body to remove his jeans and boxers, leaving him naked.

Okay, Clare. Time to be brave.

I knelt at his side and he looked at me with a shocked expression as I leaned down and placed a tentative kiss on his penis. I held him in my hand as I took him into my mouth for the first time.

"Fuck, Clare," Eli called loudly. He fluffed up his pillow so that he had a better view, but I could see his eyes closing in pleasure anyway.

I had an idea of what to do, but I was pretty nervous so I just tried different things, using my tongue on him or sucking or trying to take in more of him. Eli was usually pretty quiet when we fooled around, and I was shocked at how much his moans were turning me on. I had never quite understood why someone would want to do this, but now I got it.

My jaw was starting to tense a little, so I took him out of my mouth to get a break but kept licking and kissing him. His moans quieted only a little, and he ran his fingers through my hair gently.

"You're amazing, Clare. You're so fucking sexy."

His words spurred me on and I took him back into my mouth. I stroked him with my hand as well, and Eli's hips were thrusting slightly.

_Ever heard of birthday head?_

The memory hit just as Eli had thrust a little farther into my mouth and between the two things I felt like I was going to throw up. I sat up as fast as I could without hurting Eli and took a few deep breaths.

"Why'd you stop?" Eli whined. That was very uncharacteristic of him since he usually cared more about my feelings than sex, but I guessed he was pretty close and didn't understand why I freaked out.

Shit. I wanted to make him feel good. I wanted to make it up to him. But I couldn't finish it…not like this. But there was one thing I could do to show him I loved him, to show him that Fitz's kiss meant nothing to me. That he was mine forever.

"Eli…I want to have sex with you."

* * *

I was starting to worry that I need to add bipolar to my list of mental health issues because I had never had a day that was so up and down. But I guessed the fact that my beautiful girlfriend was doing amazing things to my cock with her mouth was enough to make even the most depressed man on earth feel like he was on cloud nine.

She wasn't tentative at all, and even when she slowed down a bit, I wasn't worried. We had been moving toward this for a while and even with the last few weeks' tension, we were ready for this. She was the one who was in control, and I knew Clare would never do anything she wasn't comfortable with.

My brain was having trouble forming coherent thoughts so I just watched Clare as she went down on me. She looked incredible and she looked like she was enjoying it and I wished her body was a little closer to me so I could slide my fingers into her. I never thought it would be possible for a girl to look so angelic while she did something like this, but with Clare, it was impossible for her to look dirty. Her sexiest moments were tinged with something so pure I wasn't sure I could even describe it.

Clare startled and sat up quickly, and I asked her why she stopped and the second the words came out of my mouth I felt like such an asshole, because clearly I should have asked her what was wrong instead, but it's hard to think when someone's been sucking your cock.

She waited maybe two seconds too long and my heart fluttered in my chest, but finally she said, "Eli…I want to have sex with you."

I felt my brain exploding with reactions and my cock even twitched in support, but I knew something was up. This was Clare, who wanted to wait until marriage, offering to have sex with me. I mean, I sort of expected she'd change her mind someday, but now? We'd only been together for four months and things hadn't been great between us, and I didn't know where this was coming from but I knew as much as I wanted nothing more than to be inside her, that I had to turn her down.

I sat up, and I placed my hand on her waist. "Clare," I began but she placed a finger on my lips to quiet me.

"Eli, don't try to talk me out of this. I love you and I want you and I'm ready. What more do you need to know?"

I should tell her. I should tell her about the pills, and about the panic attacks, the flashbacks…I should tell her about Mike. I couldn't take something like this from her without her knowing the real me – even the darkest parts of me that I didn't want anyone to know about. It wasn't fair to her. She needed to make a choice whether she wanted to be with me or not and I needed to give her all the information before I took the thing she valued the most.

"It's just…I'm afraid you won't want me if you know just how broken I really am."

"That's impossible," she said. But it wasn't. But my mouth couldn't form the words she needed to hear.

"I think we should wait," I whispered.

Clare looked devastated. "If that's how you really feel, we can wait. But I'm here, right here, right now, and the only thing I want to do is make love to you."

I looked in her eyes. They were wide open and I felt like I could see every part of her. I felt terrified that I was hiding so much from Clare, when she had nothing to hide from me.

But I remembered feeling hesitant with Julia, too, since we were so young, and though that ended tragically, those moments of holding her in my arms, of making love to her so tenderly made up for all the moments of pain that came later. I wouldn't change that for anything, and maybe…just maybe, this would be the thing that fixed Clare and me and made us stronger.

"Okay," I said.

She looked nervous for the first time and I almost changed my mind on the spot. But then she asked, "Do you have a condom?" using that husky voice of hers that only shows up when we're in bed together and it was all I could do to keep myself from leaping off the bed.

I grabbed one out of my nightstand and threw it on the bed, intending to make sure that she got off before I got in her, but Clare picked it up and tried to unwrap it with shaking hands.

"Here, let me." I took it from her and rolled it on while she lay back against the bed. I moved to kneel between her legs, when I saw that her face was turned away from me. I leaned down, holding myself above her and I saw tears in her eyes.

"Clare?" I asked.

"I can't do this," she said, as she started to sob.

Fuck. I knew this was a bad idea; I knew she wasn't ready, that I wasn't ready.

"Baby, it's okay," I whispered, as I moved away from her. I pulled off the condom and put my boxers back on, before I spooned up behind her and pulled her into my arms. "You know I don't mind waiting. I love you, Clare. I only want this if you want this. You don't have to prove anything to me."

She just kept crying and I knew whatever she was upset about only partly had to do with what had just occurred. "Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what I can do to fix it."

She shook her head. I just kept holding her until her sobs subsided.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked gently.

She shook her head again. "Are you mad?"

I squeezed her more tightly. "Of course not. The only emotion I'm feeling right now is worry."

"You don't have to worry. I just…I thought I was ready but I wasn't."

"And that's okay with me. You know that, right? I told you I'd wait forever and I meant it."

She looked slightly relieved, but not entirely. I wished she would talk to me about it, but I guessed I could understand the need to keep things a secret.

"Why don't we get dressed and go downstairs and see if there's any ice cream? We can snuggle on the couch and watch a movie together and then I'll drive you home."

Clare leaned over and gave me a kiss. "You're so good to me."

Considering I had been feeling like I only treat her horribly for the last few weeks, her words were the only thing that could make me feel better in this moment.

I pulled her by the hand. "Come on. I'll even let you pick the movie."


	13. That Prozac Moment

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**Note: Well, we're getting closer to the end of this crazy story. I think there will be about three more chapters after this if I can stick to the plan. This chapter alternates between Clare and Eli's perspectives.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 13

I had always thought that slow dancing with Eli for the first time would be really romantic. I would bury my face in his neck and he would cradle my back in his hands and he'd tease me about liking cheesy love songs and I'd blush at the look of raw emotion on his face.

But the reality wasn't matching up to my expectations. Eli was holding me and it wasn't like we were standing three feet apart like we were in Grade Six, but there was a metaphorical space between us that I just didn't know how to breach.

His eyes were hollow and he looked like he hadn't slept in a week. Part of me wondered if he somehow knew I had cheated on him, but he didn't mention it and I certainly didn't want to bring it up. He had barely said a word to me on the way here, and while he had agreed to dance when I asked him, we had spent the preceding half hour standing near the punchbowl in awkward silence.

In face, we hadn't really talked much since he dropped me off after we almost had sex. We had been together at play rehearsals, but since the play was opening a week from today, Eli had to spend rehearsal on the soundboard and I was backstage, making sure we had all of the props ready to go.

I peered over his shoulder and saw Adam and Fiona swaying together, pressed tightly against each other, and Alli dancing with Dave, decidedly less comfortably than the former pair. Our friends had gone in on a limo together, along with Holly J and Sav, but Eli refused to join them, preferring to drive us himself. He hadn't mentioned getting a hotel room since that day we cut class, but he still didn't seem to want to spend time with anyone but me. Unfortunately, his company wasn't exactly pleasant and I was starting to get frustrated.

His grip tightened around my waist, and I wished he would crack a joke about how much Snow Patrol sucked or tell me that I looked lovely in my black dress. If he did anything to remind me of the real Eli that I knew and loved, I could make this work – no matter how difficult he was being or how guilty I felt. But as much as I hated to admit it, when the only qualities Eli displayed were possessiveness and sullenness, part of me wondered if it was even worth it – no matter how much I loved him.

The song ended and Eli stepped back immediately. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," he mumbled before he walked away. I stared after him until Alli grabbed me by the arm and dragged me out of the gymnasium.

"Clare, what is going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"Both you and Eli look like the walking dead. You didn't come with us in the limo, and you look like you're about to burst into tears. Did you talk to him?"

"We did a lot more than talking," I muttered.

"What does that mean?" Alli looked alarmed.

I dragged her down the hall so we were further from the gym door. "Last weekend, Eli and I almost had sex."

"What?"

"Shhh..." The last thing I needed was for someone to find out.

"When you say almost...?"

"He had a condom on before I freaked out and changed my mind."

"And now Eli's mad at you?" Alli looked like she was about to charge down the hallway to find him and give him a piece of her mind.

"No! He was very understanding."

"Clare, there's something you're not telling me."

"You're right," I said softly. I told her about my encounter with Fitz in the woods, how he was so sweet to me and how I let him kiss me before I pushed him away.

"Oh, Clare...Does Eli know?"

I shook my head. "I can't tell him. He'd never forgive me."

"You can't have a relationship based on lies, even if they are lies of omission." I knew Alli was thinking about Drew and how he cheated on her. "If Eli doesn't know, why is he so messed up tonight?"

I didn't really want to tell her what I suspected, that Eli was doing drugs, and how they were changing him into a person I wasn't sure I want to be around. "I'm not exactly sure...but I think I know what's wrong with him...and if I'm right...it's really bad."

"Really bad as in you don't want to be with him anymore?"

"I'm not sure." I bit my lipsticked bottom lip. "I really love him and I want to be there for him...but between this and how possessive he's been...I really do need some space."

"Does Eli know that?"

I shook my head. "I'm so afraid of hurting him...of losing him. I love him. But he expects too much from me and he's keeping secrets from me."

"You're keeping secrets from him too," Alli said disapprovingly.

"I can't tell Eli. If he found out Fitz kissed me, not only will he hate me forever, but he'll kill Fitz."

* * *

On a good day, dancing with Clare sounded like the most amazing thing that could happen.

Today...it felt like a death sentence.

I kept reminding myself that I was doing this for Clare, that I was at the dance to help save our relationship. Things had been so awkward between us since the night she showed up at my house and seduced me before she fell apart, that I knew our whole relationship was being held together by threads.

But it was hard to think about my issues with Clare with Julia's death anniversary looming in my mind. All day, I kept thinking about her. What would she be like if she were still alive? Would we still be together? Would we be at a dance at our old school – or more likely, skipping the dance and getting drunk on red wine down by the lake? Would she like my black jacket with the golden trim that I had bought to impress Clare before I knew the date of the dance? Would she have cheated on me and broken my heart and would Clare have somehow magically entered my life to help me pick up the pieces?

In two years, I had resigned myself to the fact that Julia was gone and I had to move on. I had started throwing out things in my room. I had let myself fall in love again. But I just needed this one day to wallow in my sorrow at losing her. I wished I had let myself be honest with Clare, but lately, honesty just wasn't something I was good at.

When the song ended, Clare looked at me expectantly, and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't fix our relationship when I was still so messed up. Not today. I told her I had to go to the bathroom and made a beeline for it, locking myself in a stall.

I had one pill left. I had managed to ration them out over the week and though I had to take one after Clare left Friday night, and two more during the week when I saw Fitz hovering near Clare's locker, I had one real pill left. After this, I was down to just the Special K. It would be a long weekend before Cece and I met with Dr. Loughner to get more pills, but I really wanted to avoid taking any of those unless it was an emergency.

But I knew I couldn't make it to the end of the dance without something. So I took that last pill, tossing the empty baggie into the garbage can on my way out.

I thought I'd take a few minutes before going back to the dance to let myself get my head clear. I put my headphones in and sat down at the end of the hallway. I pulled out the picture of Julia and me that I had been carrying with me.

She looked so young, and so happy. I wondered what she would think of me now, mopey and drug addicted, clingy and pathetic. She would have dumped my ass a month ago. I was lucky that Clare wasn't as hotheaded, that she was willing to talk things out.

The music cut off suddenly and I realized I had forgotten to charge my iPod. Dammit. I was about to stand up to go back to the dance when I heard a familiar voice from right around the corners.

"If Eli doesn't know, why is he so messed up tonight?" Crap. Clare must have been really upset if she was out in the hallway talking to Alli about me.

"I'm not exactly sure...but I think I know what's wrong with him...and if I'm right...it's really bad."

My heart stopped. Did Clare know? I had never told anyone what happened to me. How could she know?

Alli asked Clare if she didn't want to be with me anymore and I sucked in a breath so loudly I was afraid they would hear.

"I'm not sure...I really love him and I want to be there for him...but between this and how possessive he's been...I really think I might need a break."

Oh God, oh God, oh God. She knew what was wrong with me and she was breaking up with me. She had put up with so much: the fighting with Fitz, the hoarding...but this was too much for her and she couldn't be with me.

I was so upset that I lost track of their conversation and I decided that I'd reveal myself to Clare and make her talk to me about this and show her that I can still be a good boyfriend even with all the damage. I just needed her. She was the only thing in my life that was good.

I stood up, ready to face her. And then I heard Clare say, "I can't tell Eli. If he found out Fitz kissed me, not only will he hate me forever, but he'll kill Fitz."

I sank down the floor again, unable to keep my legs under me. Clare kissed Fitz. Clare _kissed_ Fitz. It was as if my whole world was crashing down around me. How could someone I loved so much betray me so badly?

Clare and Alli were still talking but I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of here. I pulled myself up, using the wall to steady me as I slunk down the hallway toward the main entrance.

The cool air beat against my face as I tried to avoid the panic attack that was forming in my nerves. I breathed deeply, trying to calm down. There must be an explanation. Clare didn't sound happy about the kiss. She sounded distraught. Fitz must have forced himself on her, just like I thought he would. It was my fault. I was supposed to protect her and I left her alone and then he kissed her and he could have raped her and it would have been all my fault.

I stumbled toward Morty. I had left the Special K in the glove compartment, and I took it out, staring at the bag hard for a moment. I didn't know what it would do to me, but in this moment, I didn't care. I swallowed two pills and tried to relax.

The slightly woozy feeling came quicker than it did with my regular pills and I was feeling like I should go back to the dance and confront Clare. Tell her I knew what happened and that I loved her and that I was sorry I wasn't there to protect her.

I walked back to the front entrance just as Fitz exited the building, lighting up a cigarette as he left. He took one look at me and his face fell. He tried to move past me but I blocked his way.

"Dude, I've been avoiding you for months. Get the hint. I'm not going to fight you. It's over," Fitz said.

"Well, that would be fine with me. Except for some reason, you haven't been avoiding my girlfriend."

I could see a brief look of guilt in Fitz's eyes. "Well, Clare can talk to whoever she wants."

I shoved him in his chest and he staggered back a step. "Well, Clare doesn't want to talk to you. And she sure as hell doesn't want to kiss you."

Fitz started to backpedal. "Look I can explain…"

"Save it," I said as I punched him right in the eye. It was a perfect shot even if it killed my hand, and Fitz fell to the ground, holding his hand to his eye.

"Dude, fighting me isn't going to fix things with her. She's already pissed at you. That's why she let me kiss her before she pushed me away."

I grabbed him by his shirt and hoisted him up. "She didn't let you do anything."

Fitz laughed. "That's what you think, bro." I took another swing but he blocked, grabbing my arm. "She kissed me and she liked it. And the only reason she stopped is because she's in love with your dumb ass."

I couldn't do much with him holding my arm but I realized his position left something very important open and I kneed him in the balls. Fitz doubled over and groaned. "You don't know anything," I spat.

Fitz was breathing heavily with pain but he managed to say, "Here's what I know. Clare is the most amazing girl on the planet and you're such a fucking idiot that everything you do screws her up. The only thing she wants is for us to stop fighting and for you to get off her back, and you can't even fucking listen to her long enough to know that. You're going to lose her and I can't wait to be there when she breaks up with you and lets me pick up the pieces. Next time she kisses me, you won't be on her mind."

My next punch connected with his jawbone so hard that I wasn't sure if it was broken. The sound snapped me out of my stupor and Fitz fell back flat against the ground. He didn't cry out in pain and I was almost worried that I killed him. He moved his hand up to his jaw and I was momentarily relieved…though he would have deserved it.

Fuck. I had to get out of here.

I raced back to Morty and put it in gear, tearing out of the school parking lot so fast my tires squealed.


	14. World Spins Madly On

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob - see profile for link and protected tweet explanation**

**So, we're at the climax, and there's two chapters left after this one. Just a little warning that there is some information imparted in this chapter that may be unnerving to some readers. This is another chapter with alternating perspectives (although the last two are both from Clare's POV).  
**

**A million thanks to AlbatrossTam14, which read about six different drafts of his chapter and has given me so much support on this whole fic that I would not be able to write without her. I posted this on chapter 1, but I'll put it again, because she is an amazing writer and you should make sure you read her fics. She is in my favorite authors as ArentYouSophiaLoren-8887.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 14

"Have you seen Eli?" I asked every person I knew as I looped around the dance floor. I had already checked all the hallways and had sent K.C. into the nearest men's room to look for him. He had left almost 30 minutes ago and I was worried that something was really wrong.

I spotted Adam snuggled up to Fiona on the bleachers and ran over to them. "Have you seen Eli?" I was out of breath and frantic.

"I haven't," Adam said, and Fiona shook her head. "But I think I know why he's so upset today."

"And why is that?"

"It's April 22nd." My confusion was evident until he added. "The day Julia died."

I gasped and covered my hand with my mouth. I was such an idiot. I didn't even remember the date that was so important to my boyfriend. No wonder he didn't want to come to the dance. I forced him to parade around with me and he wanted to get away and be alone with me because he knew he'd be upset - not because he wanted to ruin my night. I wondered how many other times I had thought he was being clingy but really he was just distressed and needed some support.

"If you see him, tell him to call me."

I figured there was a good chance that Eli had decided to escape the dance and hang out in Morty since I knew he often did that when he was upset. I grabbed my jean jacket from my locker and then burst through the doors to find Fitz lying against the steps, a huge welt forming on his face.

"Are you okay?" I asked, kneeling down next to him.

"I just need some ice. Bianca went to get the nurse."

I knew the answer to the question before I asked it, but I had to know for sure. "Did Eli do this to you?"

He laughed wryly. "Next time you tell your boyfriend about your secret kisses could you give a guy a heads up? Whatever happened to 'don't tell anyone?'"

My eyes flew open. Eli knew about the kiss. How did he know? "Where is he?"

"He took off in the deathmobile." I looked over to the parking lot and saw that Morty was gone.

"I can't believe this," I mumbled, pulling my cell phone out of my coat pocket.

Fitz grabbed my arm. "Clare, I know you don't believe me, but he's on something, I'm telling you. You need to find out where he is and get him off the road before he kills himself and takes someone else with him."

"How long has he been gone?" I was starting to feel hysterical.

"20 minutes maybe?"

Shit. I dialed Eli's number walking away from Fitz toward Eli's empty parking spot.

Pick up, Eli. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

* * *

I drove straight to my house and somehow managed to get there in one piece even though my vision was a little blurry. I saw that Cece's car was in the driveway and there was more than one light on so she was definitely home. I couldn't go inside and have her see me like this; as much as I wish she could comfort me since my heart was breaking, she'd know I was using.

I stepped out of the car, swaying slightly and pounded my fist against Morty's hood. My knuckles were bloody and raw from punching Fitz. My heart was pounding and I felt a little nauseous and I was hoping that if I just stood still for a moment, that things would start to look better.

I didn't believe in God but it felt like the kind of moment where if I did, I'd be looking at up at the sky and screaming "Why?" I felt like the ground had fallen out from under me.

These pills were fucking with my brain. I just wanted to lay down on the ground and stare up at the stars. I wanted to forget the world and watch all the colors as they floated by. But every time I tried to focus, the image of Clare and Fitz popped into my head.

Clare did this to me. _Clare_. What did I do to deserve this?

My legs felt like they were going to collapse and I crawled back into the driver's seat. I banged my head against the steering wheel three times in frustration.

What was I supposed to do? I didn't think I could live without Clare, but I knew I couldn't be with her. Not after this.

I took the picture of Julia and me out of my pocket once more. "What should I do, Jules? You always gave me the best advice. You knew me better than anyone in the world. What should I do?"

A tear dropped onto the picture and I wiped it away before it could mar her beautiful face. The picture was taken almost three years ago, but it felt like it was yesterday. It felt like I could reach out and touch her.

_Don't cry_.

The words in my head sounded exactly like Julia's voice and it made me cry even harder. I remembered everything about the way she looked, how she smelled, how she tasted, but the first thing I lost was the sound of her voice. This was the first time I remembered it exactly, so clearly and surely. I missed her so much that just the sound of her voice killed me.

_Eli, don't cry_.

What the fuck? Through my blurred eyes, I could see Julia say these words to me in the picture. Her mouth moved and I could see the version of me portrayed in the picture was grinning just a little bit wider than usual.

"Julia?"

_I'm here, Eli. I'm here for you_.

She was here. I thought I had lost her but she was here. "Julia," I sobbed even louder, but these were tears of joy. "I missed you so much."

_I missed you too_.

"You're alive…" My heart was fluttering so quickly it almost hurt and I felt like I was floating.

_I never left you_.

"Jules, I don't know what to do. I love Clare but she broke my heart…and you're here now."

_I hate that she hurt you. I can make it all better_.

Julia always knew how to do that. She could fix everything. We fought all the time but she always fixed it. She didn't go around kissing my mortal enemy when things got tough.

I stroked the picture but I couldn't feel her the way I wanted to. "How can I see you? I need you…I need you to hold me…You broke my heart when you left me and Clare broke my heart and Mike…I'm just broken, Jules. I'm so broken."

_Come find me. You know where I am._

I propped her picture up on the dashboard and turned Morty back on. Julia was waiting for me.

* * *

Pick up, Eli. Pick up, pick up, pick up.

It rang and rang and I was so afraid he didn't have his phone with him. When his voicemail picked up, I hung up and dialed again.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

"What do you want?" Eli picked up and sounded angrier than I have ever heard before.

"Where are you?" My voice was desperate.

"Like you fucking care…"

I cringed at his harsh words. Eli didn't even sound like himself. "Eli, I can explain."

"Don't bother, Clare. Why don't you go kiss Fitzy-boy again? You'd clearly rather be with him than be with me."

"That's not true and you know it."

"I don't know what to believe anymore." Eli's voice was so loud I had to hold my ear away from the phone. I heard a deafening honking noise and realized he was driving.

"Eli, are you driving? You need to pull over. It's not safe." I could barely breathe at the thought of him driving this upset, let alone under the influence of something.

"You know what's not safe, Clare. Having to go to school with the guy who tried to kill me. That's not safe. Finding out your girlfriend kissed the guy who tried to kill you…that's not safe."

Tears were pouring down my face. "Eli, it was a mistake. He kissed me one time and I stopped it. I love you."

"Save it. If you loved me, you wouldn't want to take a break. If you loved me, you wouldn't be afraid of my problems. You'd be there for me when I needed you most."

My lungs deflated as I realized Eli must have overheard me talking to Alli in the hallway earlier. "I am here for you, Eli. Pull over and tell me where you are, and I'll come to you. We can talk this through. I just don't understand what's going on with you."

"Oh you understand, alright. I heard you. You know exactly what's wrong with me. You know how broken I am." He let out a strangled cry that broke my heart. "I can't believe you kissed Fitz. I can't believe I couldn't protect you from him. Do you know what he's going to do to you?"

"He's not going to do anything, Eli. It was one kiss and I stopped it and it's over. I'll stay away from him. Please just pull over and tell me where you are."

"He's not going to stay away. Fitz is a bully. And bullies will do anything they can to take everything from you. He's going to hurt you just like Mike hurt me. He's going to take you from me and he's going to destroy you, just like Mike did to me."

Was Eli telling me what I thought he was telling me? "Eli, what are you saying?"

He took a deep breath and my heart stopped. "Mike raped me. Is that what you want to hear? You want to know how he destroyed me when I was nine years old and how I cowered in fear every time he came near me in case he tried to do it again? How I had to explain to my mother why I came home from school with bloody, torn clothes on more than one occasion?"

Oh my God. I…I couldn't even form a complete thought. "Eli," I said softly, but he cut me off.

"You don't want to hear about that. You only want to hear about your precious play and your kisses with Fitz. Just don't come crawling back to me after he takes everything from you." He let out an anguished cry that made him sound like a wild animal. "You made a promise, remember? That you'd never leave me."

"I'm not leaving you, Eli. I love you."

"That's not true. If you loved you, you wouldn't have done this. You wouldn't have kissed Fitz. You wouldn't have hurt me." He paused for a brief moment and I wondered if there was anything I could say to make this better. But his next words came out in a scream that I would never be able to forget.

"You ripped my heart out."

I didn't think it was possible for a person's heart to physically break but the pang in my chest shot through my whole body.

"Please, Eli. Pull over. I need to see you and we need to talk."

"You left me. But there's one person in my life that still loves me."

I ran through the list of people in my head: Adam. Bullfrog. Cece. He was either headed home or headed back to school.

"I'm going to see Julia."

Was Eli going to kill himself? I fell to my knees, realizing that if I didn't get through to him now that I might lose him forever.

"Eli, where are you?" No response.

"Eli, I love you." No response.

"Eli, answer me!"

I heard the squeal of tires and the sound of metal crashing and then I heard nothing.

* * *

"Clare?"

I opened my eyes and blinked at the harsh fluorescent lighting. I was in the hospital waiting room leaning on my father's shoulder and I finally fallen asleep. Cece was standing in front of me and she held out her hand to me.

"Eli's awake. He's asking for you."

My dad squeezed my shoulder and I let Cece lead me. I saw that Adam and Fiona and Alli and Sav were all waiting and Alli shot me a teary smile.

Now that I was awake the memories of the past few hours came pouring back. Collapsing in the parking lot sure that Eli was dead. Fitz and Bianca carrying me back to the school and finding Adam for me. Cece's frantic phone call fifteen minutes later when the police found Eli's phone in the car and called her to tell her that her son was on the way to the hospital.

The only things I knew for sure were that Eli had broken his left arm in two places and that he had woken up just long enough to tell the doctor he had taken ketamine. I didn't even know what that was, but the doctor informed Cece and Bullfrog that it was more commonly known as Special K.

I also knew that Eli was lucky. He crashed into a tree and he could have died and he could have killed people and he didn't. I said a silent prayer of thanks when I heard that news.

But as I walked down the hallways toward Eli's room, I clutched Cece's hand for dear life. I didn't know what to say to Eli. He tried to kill himself and he was still alive and while I was grateful for that, I didn't know what I could do. I had driven him to take his own life. I couldn't believe he had asked to see me. I would never want to see me again if I were him.

When we arrived at the room, Cece popped her head in the door and motioned for Bullfrog to join her. "We'll give you a moment."

I could see Bullfrog wiping a tear from his eye as he left.

Eli was lying in bed, with his black jacket from the dance with one sleeve ripped off. His arm was in a cast and sling and he was staring at the ceiling. Part of me wanted to touch him, to make sure he was still alive, but part of me was also afraid.

I didn't know what to say, so I took one step closer and Eli turned his head to look at me. We gazed at each other, teary-eyed until finally he broke the silence. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, Eli," I whispered, as the tears fell down in sheets.

"Clare…" his voice was hoarse and his husky tone shot right through me. "I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just…I want to make things right between us."

And part of me finally realized that was never going to happen between us. "Eli, I can't be with you anymore."

His face was pained. "But Clare…"

"Eli, you scare me. You're a wreck. You went from being the sweetest guy on the whole planet to a controlling, possessive jerk. You've been lying to me about the drugs. You kept your past hidden from me. And tonight you tried to kill yourself…I can't…I can't handle this."

Eli nodded. "I get it, Clare." He turned his face away from me but I could see his body shaking with tears.

"I need you to get better," I said softly.

"I'm not sure I know how," he admitted. "I'm pretty messed up."

God, Eli had been through so much and he was only seventeen years old. It wasn't fair. "I want to help you."

Eli turned back toward me. "Will you promise me one thing?"

"What is it?"

He motioned for me to come closer and I took his good hand in mine, noticing how torn up it was from his fight from earlier. "I think my parents are going to send me away for a while. I know I need the help. But I'm scared that you won't be there for me when I get back."

I hesitated and Eli gripped my hand harder. "I'm not asking you to stay with me as my girlfriend…but I need you to promise that we'll talk about this. That you'll let me explain. If I have to lose you…well, I can't do anything about it…but I need you to know the truth. Promise me you'll let me tell you everything."

"I promise," I whispered.

I placed a hand on his cheek and leaned down to plant a kiss on his lips. "I love you, Eli. Nothing's going to change that. But I need you to get better. I can't feel like this ever again."

"All I can do is try," he said. "But for you…for us…I'll do anything."

His green eyes were full of sincerity and I threw myself into his arms. He held me with his good arm as we both cried. I didn't know what would happen between us, but I hoped this wouldn't be the last time that I was in his arms.


	15. Story of My Life

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter: themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet explanation.**

**The is the second to last chapter and I apologize in advance for how long it is. Eli and Clare talk things out. Again, there are some disturbing things revealed in this chapter but if you were okay with the last one this shouldn't be too much worse.**

**Thanks again to AlbatrossTam14 for her guidance and to all of my twitter friends and reviewers. **

**

* * *

**

Chapter 15

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Cece asked me. She had driven me out to the mental hospital where Eli was currently residing, about 30 minutes outside Toronto.

"No, that's okay," I said. "Thanks for doing this."

She leaned over and gave me a hug. "It's no problem." She waved a book at me. "Take as much time as you need."

I went inside and signed in at the reception desk. I had to wait a few minutes and I felt really awkward just standing there. A smiling woman in medical scrubs came and let me to a glassed in room. There was a couch and a table with four chairs.

"Eli's just finishing up a counseling session," she said. "I'll bring him right in as soon as he's done." I took a seat on one of the hard chairs, not really sure I was ready to curl up on a couch with him.

Eli had been in the mental hospital for two weeks. They didn't allow any visitors for the first week and Cece and Bullfrog had come up last weekend. Originally the plan was for me to wait until he came home for me to talk to him but I missed him so much that I asked Cece if she'd bring me this weekend.

Cece hadn't told me much; she wanted me to find out what was going on from Eli. But she had told me he seemed more content than he had in a while, and that he promised he was going to do whatever it took to get better. I knew that might be a little out of his hands, but his willingness to get help comforted me.

Our nebulous relationship status worried me though. We weren't together but it wasn't like we could just be friends. I wanted to be with him but I wasn't sure I knew who he was. I was hoping that our talk would help clarify where we stood with each other, but I knew he needed to focus on himself.

The door opened and I saw Eli for the first time since the hospital. I had gotten so used to seeing him in his school uniform that he almost looked strange in a short sleeved grey button down shirt with a black vest that was slightly masked by his arm which was in a cast and held up by a sling.

He grinned as soon as he saw me. "They told me I had a visitor, but they didn't tell me it was you."

The fact that he was happy to see me brought a tear to my eye and I couldn't say anything at first. I wanted to throw my arms around him but I figured I probably shouldn't because I'd never want to let him go after what happened.

Eli hesitated as he walked toward the table and I could tell he was probably thinking the same thing. He took the seat across from me and reached for my hand, only giving it a brief squeeze before letting go.

"Don't cry, Clare," he said softly. "You just got here. At least let me tell you what I need to tell you before you start crying."

I smiled a little though a small sob escaped and I took a moment to catch my breath. "How are you, Eli?"

It was rare to see Eli without a look of confidence on his face. He didn't look unhappy but his face had a softness that didn't mesh with my image of him as cocky and sarcastic and passionate. "I'm doing okay, Clare. It's been hard, but I'm doing okay."

"I'm glad," I whispered.

"How are you doing? I've asked my mom but she hadn't talked to you and I thought you weren't going to come here, and I wanted to call and make sure you were okay and just hear the sound of your voice, but I wanted to make sure I gave you some space. I didn't want to be pushy."

He cleared his throat and continued. "I'm sorry but I'm a little nervous. I've been planning out everything I've wanted to say to you and I thought I'd have more time and…" My face fell and he grabbed my hand again before he continued. "And I'm so glad you're here, Clare."

"It's me, Eli. You don't have to be nervous. And I've missed you so much."

I could see tears welling up in his eyes as well. "I've missed you too."

"Are you ready to talk to me? If you need more, time I understand. I didn't mean to surprise you. I just was going crazy sitting at home…" Eli flinched and I covered my mouth. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that."

"Relax, Clare. I'm still the same person. I'm not overly sensitive." He took a deep breath. "And I'm ready to explain." He looked down at our entwined hands. "Is this okay?"

I really hoped he didn't want to let go, so I squeezed his hand.

"Well, the first thing you need to know is that I wasn't trying to kill myself."

I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Eli…"

"I'm not going to hide anything from you. You need to know the truth. And I'm telling you that I did a lot of stupid things and I'm lucky I'm alive but I wasn't suicidal."

"But you said…" He told me he was going to be with Julia.

"My therapist prescribed me anti-anxiety pills. I was having panic attacks because I was having trouble throwing things out in my room. He told me to take one when I was having a panic attack and I did have to take a few in the beginning. And then after a few weeks, things were starting to get better. The cleaning was getting easier and things with you were so good…"

He paused and the look on his face told me he was remembering something pretty nice. I wondered if he was thinking of the day we were cleaning and he sang to me and then we took a few steps beyond kissing. It was definitely one of my favorite memories.

He shook his head as if he needed to clear it and his expression turned serious. "And then Fitz came back."

I cringed at his name. Part of me blamed myself for everything that happened. If I hadn't kissed Fitz, Eli wouldn't be here right now.

"I know I was irrational. I know that he didn't mean to kill me and I know that he would have left me alone if I had just let things go…but after what happened to me…I couldn't see that. Especially when he showed up at your house and you were alone. I was so sure he was going to hurt you, that he was going to…"

"Eli, it's okay," I whispered.

"Every time I saw him or thought about him, I started to lose my mind a little. And I had those anxiety pills and when I took them, they made me feel a little better. But I wasn't really taking them right. I'd take two at a time, and I wasn't really supposed to be driving right after I'd take them. But without them…I felt so awful, Clare. There were times when I thought I was going to die and the only thing that worried me was that I'd be leaving you behind and I wouldn't be able to protect you."

"Oh, Eli."

"And then you pushed me away…and I don't blame you, Clare, I understand now that I wasn't being fair to you…but at the time, I was so out of my mind, I couldn't see it. And after abusing my prescription for two months, I was running out of pills and Dr. Loughner wouldn't give me anymore and I was desperate."

He stopped talking and looked like he was lost in thought. "I hate telling you all the bad things I've done in the past. I'm afraid it's going to change what you think of me now."

"It doesn't. I swear."

"After Julia died, I was a wreck. I mean, you've seen me freak out a few times and she's been gone for two years. My parents weren't exactly great at dealing with me; they considered her a daughter and were caught up in their own grief. They talked about getting me counseling but they never did. So I sort of took matters into my own hands. I knew this guy at school who could get pills and I bought a bunch off him a couple of times. They helped me get through the rough period after her death and even though it wasn't exactly legal, I didn't get hooked on them. I even had some left over that I didn't feel a need to take."

"But this time, I was both starting to get addicted and still coping with Fitz and with you and when he wouldn't give me another prescription, I went back to the dealer from my old school and bought more pills. But he didn't have any Valium like last time. The only thing he had that works as an anti-anxiety med was Special K."

I closed my eyes. I knew Eli had been doing drugs, but I kind of thought it was just pot and just an occasional thing. I couldn't believe I had overlooked the changes in his behavior. I should have seen it sooner. I should have gotten him some help.

"The night of the dance I ran out of my doctor prescribed pills. And when I heard that you and Fitz…I just…I just lost it. I took a couple of Special Ks."

There wasn't any stopping the tears this time. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I just want you to know what happened."

"Okay," I whispered.

"I drove to my house and I was looking at that picture of Julia that I found…and I didn't know this but one of the side effects of Special K can be hallucinations."

"When I said I was going to see Julia, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was hallucinating that she was talking to me through the picture. I thought that somehow she was alive. I was driving to our secret hideaway where we'd go when she was really upset at her stepmother when you called me. And by that point, I was so fucked up I could barely focus on the road. And then I crashed."

Tears streaked down his face. "You have to believe me, Clare. I didn't want to die. And I didn't want to hurt anyone. I was really messed up and it was awful and I never want to feel like that again."

I didn't want to make him feel any worse but I had to know that he was going to change. "You're done with the drugs?"

"They are going to try to find something that will work for me that's a lower dose because unfortunately, no matter how much counseling I get, the panic attacks may never go away. But it's going to be tightly controlled by Bullfrog and Cece and the school nurse."

That sounded good but clearly he had found ways around the system last time and look where that got him. "I'm not exactly an expert…but I'm pretty sure that most drug addicts will tell you they're fine and it's not a problem and I'm not sure I can trust you with this."

He looked demoralized when I called him an addict. "I'm not going to say I didn't develop a dependency but it was more linked to how bad I was feeling externally than a true addiction. If I work on my issues, I should be calmer naturally and then I won't crave the pills as much. And I swear to you, even if it gets bad, I'll never buy drugs illegally again. I'll drive myself back here and check myself in before I do something that extreme."

He sounded sincere and I wanted to believe him. "You promise me you'll come to me? Or to Cece or Bullfrog or Mr. Simpson or Ms. Sauve?"

"I promise, Clare."

"Okay." Although I was unsettled by the drug talk, I was relieved that Eli hadn't meant to kill himself. I had been going over that crash in my mind for the past two weeks and knowing it was accidental made it just ever so slightly less painful.

A thought occurred to me. "If you were hallucinating…do you remember what happened that night? Like the details?"

He nodded. I was pretty sure he knew exactly what I was referring to. "Before we get to that, I need you to be honest with me." He took his hand away from mine, and I closed my eyes, knowing what he was going to ask.

"Did you kiss Fitz?"

"Yes." I couldn't believe there were still tears left in my eyes.

"How…?" He broke off. His hands were shaking.

"That night I showed up at your house and threw myself at you…I told you I was babysitting in Oshawa. But really I was here in Toronto and I was hiding from you because I was upset. I had told you I needed space, I had told you I needed you to stop babysitting me at school, and that I needed to spend a weekend away from you, and you didn't listen. I just needed an afternoon to myself. But I knew if I stayed home you would show up, and I just couldn't deal with you in that moment."

Eli's face looked pained, and I bet he was blaming himself the way I've been blaming myself for everything that happened to him.

"I went to the woods by the Ravine. I had found this out of the way picnic table and I was working on homework when Fitz walked by. We just started talking and he asked me how I was doing and I was so upset that I just told him everything that was going on between us and how badly I was feeling. He told me he thought you were doing drugs and I brushed it off because I didn't want to believe he was right."

I took a deep breath, really not wanting to tell him the rest of this. "I started crying and I guess he felt bad because he came over to me and gave me a hug. I didn't mean for anything to happen but I was upset and then he kissed me. He didn't force himself on me or anything but I didn't initiate it. He just misread the moment; I thought he was just trying to be a friend and he thought something else was happening."

I reached for his hand again and let out a huge sob when he pulled it away. "I'm not going to lie. I didn't pull away immediately but after a few seconds I realized what I was doing and that it was wrong and I shoved him away. He apologized and I just stood there and told him I loved you and that it was wrong. And then I left and I immediately went to your house."

I paused but Eli didn't say anything; he just kept chewing on his lip and looking down at his shaking hands.

"I'm sorry it happened. I didn't want it to happen then and I don't want it to happen ever again. And I didn't want to hide it from you but I was truly afraid of what you would do if you found out."

"When you…?" Eli cleared his throat. "When you came over that night…did you do stuff with me because you felt guilty? Is that why you wanted to have sex?"

I nodded. "But it wasn't just that. When I…you know," I lowered my voice. "When I went down on you, it was because I really wanted to. I would never do something I didn't want to. I suggested that we have sex because I felt guilty and once I realized that was my only reason for it, I stopped it before we took it too far."

Eli's good hand was turning into a fist and I watched as he forced himself to relax and place his palm flat on the table. He looked straight at me for the first time since we started the conversation. "Do you have feelings for Fitz?"

"What? No, Eli, no. Not even a little bit. I let myself get carried away for one moment when I was in a very dark place, Eli. It was a mistake." My voice cracked a little. "I only have feelings for you."

His eyes softened just a little and I hoped he was going to be able to forgive me. But there was one thing standing in our way. "There's one more thing I need to tell you."

Eli's eyes widened and I knew he was imagining the worst. "After you beat up Fitz at the dance, he was pretty messed up and his probation officer was pissed that he had gotten into another fight. He called me on my house line and begged me to explain what happened or else he was going to get sent to jail for violating his probation."

I could see a glimmer of regret in Eli's eyes. "I didn't want him to get sent to jail for something that really wasn't his fault. So, I went to a meeting with Fitz and Officer Martin and Mr. Simpson, and I explained what happened at the dance. He decided to give him one more chance."

"You did the right thing," Eli said, and I smiled.

"I am really glad you see it that way."

He hesitated. "Are you…friends with him now?"

"No. I told him after the meeting that I didn't want to speak with him anymore, because it only exacerbated my problems with you and he agreed that was for the best. I'm not going to run in the other direction if I see him, but I'm not going to talk to him anymore."

Eli was quiet again. I watched him for a minute but he wouldn't look me in the eyes. "Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?"

He nodded.

"Do you think you'll ever be able to trust me again?"

He nodded again.

I let out a sigh of relief. I could see a slight crinkle of amusement in his eye. "What are you thinking about?"

"I was thinking of how I'm going to have to spend my next month of therapy sessions getting help with anger management if I'm going to learn to peacefully coexist with Fitz at Degrassi."

"That sounds like a good idea."

Eli looked down at the table. "I really, really don't want to do this. But I think if you're going to understand why I've been such a mess for these few months, I need to explain the part of my past that up until the night of the dance, I had never told anyone."

"If you're not ready, I can wait."

He gave me a wry smile. "I'll never be ready."

I walked around the table and sat down on the chair next to his, pulling the chair out so that we were sitting so close that our legs touched.

"I know on Vegas Night I told you that I was bullied when I was younger. But…it went way beyond that. I was 9 and I was in Grade 4, and my next door neighbor Mike was in Grade 9. And I don't know why exactly but he hated me from the moment his family moved next to mine. I would walk home from school and as soon as I passed his house, he'd trip me. When I started going to the library after school so that I wouldn't have to see him, he found out and went there and would get me in trouble by messing everything up and blaming it on me."

He took a deep breath. "My old house had woods behind it and I found a shortcut between school and my house and I managed to avoid him for a few months that way. But once he discovered how I was escaping him, everything got worse. He'd hit me, really hard punches to my stomach that knocked me off my feet. He always made sure the bruises were in places covered by clothes so my parents wouldn't notice."

Eli's hand was shaking and I placed it on my leg and covered it with my hand. I stroked his fingers gently as he continued. "And then one time I was in my front yard and he came over and started bugging me. And Cece came running out of the house that Bullfrog had an accident and that she had to go to the hospital and she asked Mike to stay with me so I wouldn't be alone. She was in the car before I could protest."

Eli closed his eyes. "I tried to shut the door on him but he followed me inside…he shoved me onto the couch and then he…"

"God, Eli."

"It happened twice after that...when he'd wait in the woods for me coming home from school. Then I started staying after school every day as late as I could. I wouldn't leave until one of my parents came to get me. I spent all of my free time in my room because I was so afraid."

He looked at me for the first time since he started telling me his story. "When Fitz said, 'When we have sex, I'll be gentle' it just triggered something in me that I had buried a long time ago. I was so sure that he was going to hurt you in the way I had been hurt that I lost my mind. That's why I was so overprotective. Because I never wanted you to experience that much pain. Because I knew how horrible it was to have something like that taken from you."

"Oh, Eli." I launched myself into his lap and wrapped my arms around him.

I held him for a few minutes while we both cried silently.

"Before the dance, I'd never told anyone. That was the first time I had ever said those words out loud."

"Have you told anyone else? Your parents?"

He shook his head. "I told my therapist here. She wants me to tell my parents at a family therapy session but I'm not sure I'm ready. They already blame themselves for so much of what has happened to me."

"You should tell them. It's better if they know." Eli looked confused and I realized I had never told him about Darcy.

"My sister was raped two years ago. She went on a ski trip with some friends from school and someone slipped a roofie into her drink. At first she thought she had just gotten drunk and slept with her boyfriend but as they pieced together what had happened she realized it wasn't him."

"I'm sorry, Clare."

I bit my lip. "Afterwards she wasn't herself. My parents and I knew there was something wrong but she didn't tell us. And a while later, she tried to kill herself. She finally told my parents and me before she left for Kenya."

"You know, I thought that was the worst thing that ever could have happened. She…well, you know how I feel pretty strongly about waiting for marriage? She really believed in it, like she wouldn't even let her boyfriends touch her. And then that was taken away from her. And not because she changed her mind and decided to let her boyfriend go farther. She was unconscious and someone hurt her and she didn't even know who it was."

I put my hand on his face. "But you were just a little boy. And you weren't unconscious. You probably remember every moment of it."

Eli cringed. "It's all bad, Clare. There's no bright side to anything."

"I know." I buried my face in his neck and his hands tangled in my curls. "You should tell your parents. It'll help you get better."

"I'll think about it."

We held onto each other for a few minutes and I started to feel a little awkward so I slipped off his lap and back onto the chair next to him.

We exchanged awkward smiles and giggled a little at how weird it was to be so close and yet so far. I had to talk about something a little less serious.

"So Ms. Dawes has really missed you in class. She keeps asking questions and no one has sarcastic answers for her."

"Ha ha. I'm surprised you haven't taken over in my absence."

"Well, I haven't exactly been a model student lately. I've had a lot on my mind."

Eli looked pensive. "Actually, that's something I wanted to talk to you about. I'm going to be in here for a while. I've got a lot of issues to work out and they want to make sure that I'm well on my way to recovery before sending me home, especially since they've got me on painkillers for the broken arm and they're afraid I'm going to get addicted to those too."

"It's okay. I'll come back to visit and you can call me. I'm not going to abandon you here. However long it takes, I'll be here for you."

Eli looked down. "While I'm really glad to hear that, that's not entirely the problem. I'm…I'm going to miss too much school. I'm going to lose my year."

I was shocked. "You have all A's and B's. Can't you talk to Mr. Simpson? I feel like they could make an exception for you."

He shook his head. "I've already talked to him. It's not the grades; it's the number of absences."

"But Fitz…" I began and then I kicked myself for bringing up his name.

"Spend three months in juvie and is still a junior? Yeah, but he had tutoring while he was there so that counted as schooling."

"They can't set something like that up here?"

Eli took a deep breath. "I'm not ready…I need the extra time to get my head together. I probably should have taken time off after Julia's death and I didn't and I think that's really coming back to hurt me."

So, Eli was going to be in Grade 11 again next year. "You're going to be so bored next year."

He laughed. "Well, he said he'd give me credit for English and French if I keep up with the work on my own since those are my best subjects and my average is pretty close to perfect in both. So I'll just have to suffer through Physics and Pre-Calc and History again next year…hopefully with you."

"We'll be in the same year," I realized for the first time.

"I guess if we get back together, then we'll avoid all that awkward going to college a year early problems." Eli looked really hopeful and though I had some small doubts that we'd be able to get back together, I didn't want to remind him of that.

"But then we'll have to find a college we both want to go to."

"Clare, does that mean…?"

"Eli, I want to be with you. I love you…but we need to find a way to get you better and to make me happy. So we'll keep talking and if we can come up with something that works for both of us, I would be very happy to be your girlfriend. Let's just take this slow."

A grin spread across Eli's face. "You know, we're both going to be in Grade 12 English next year which means that in Grade 12, we'll have to do an independent study. Maybe they'll let us write dirty love poetry about each other and have study hall last period so we can leave school and make out."

"Yeah, Eli, that's exactly what they'll let us do." I stuck my tongue out at him and he smiled.

There was a knock on the door and I was surprised. We were in a room with glass walls yet I had been so focused on Eli I had forgotten about everyone else. The same woman who brought us in the room walked in. "I'm sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours are just about over and it's dinnertime. I can give you two minutes to say your goodbyes."

"Thanks Kathy," Eli said.

He pulled me back into his lap and put his arm around me. "There's one more thing I need to ask you."

I was hoping it would have something to do with kissing me. "What's that?"

"They have family therapy sessions here and they really encourage you to take advantage of them. Bullfrog and Cece are coming up next week for one. I was wondering if you'd consider coming to one with me…just the two of us, I mean. Not with my parents."

He looked embarrassed. "I wouldn't be like couples counseling for old married people who hate each other. But maybe we could talk about ways to make our relationship work with an unbiased third party. You mean everything to me, Clare, and I'll do whatever it takes to make this work."

Eli had lied to me. He had done some horrible things. But in this moment, I believed with all of my heart that we were going to be able to fix this. "I'll say yes on one condition."

Eli looked nervous. "What's that?"

"That you'll spend the last minute we have together for today kissing me."

He grinned. "As you wish," he said and his lips met mine and in spite of the glass walls and the less than desirable setting, I was happy.


	16. Love You Madly

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.**

**Twitter – themusiksnob – See profile for protected tweet information.**

**This is the last chapter! I'm pretty relieved that it's over but sad at the same time. I've never written a true multi-chapter fic before, with a plot and everything, and I'm really pleased with the way this turned out.**

**I'd really like to thank all of my readers and especially the ones who reviewed chapter after chapter with such kind words. That goes double to those of you who do not follow me on twitter, since you don't get to hear how much I love you guys. And that goes triple to those of you who've left reviews that say you hope this is what happens this season, though I'm pretty sure you just want some Eclare sexitimes just like I do.**

**As always, special thanks to AlbatrossTam14 (aka ArentYouSophiaLoren-8887) who has been my rock as I've worked on this. She helped me narrow down an insane initial outline and focus this into a strong story, and has held my hand during times when I've needed reassurance and has given loads of advice that have made this even better.**

**There's a few other people I'd like to shout out by name, but this is getting long, so I'll save that for Twitter.**

**This chapter takes place approximately 7 months later, in December of 2011.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 16

I stood in the doorway of my room, feeling overwhelmed.

But for the first time, it wasn't the piles of junk or the fear of losing things that had meaning for me that overwhelmed me. It was the sheer amount of progress I had made that gave me pause.

There was still one pile left in a corner and the opposite side of the room had three giant stacks of Rubbermaid containers that practically reached the ceiling that I knew I'd have to go through and be tougher with what I kept the second time around. My closet was jam packed and my shelves were overly full.

But except for that one last pile in the corner that I planned to tackle today, my floor was clean.

"Admiring the view?" Clare teased as she came up behind me. She was pushing the vacuum in front of her.

"Now I am," I teased as my eyes took in the sight of her. She was dressed in a normal Clare outfit, a flowery blouse over jeans with a headband pulling back her curls.

I watched her vacuum my floor which hadn't been cleaned in more than two years, and appreciated just how much progress we had made in our relationship since my breakdown.

I stayed at the mental hospital for two months, missing the entire rest of the school year, and Clare came to visit me every week. She went to three counseling sessions with me, including the one where I told my parents the truth about what Mike had done to me.

Her support had meant everything to me when I was in treatment, although I had heeded Dr. Loughner's warning about replacing one obsession with another. I tried to lean on Adam and my parents as well to make sure I wasn't putting too much pressure on our relationship.

When I came back home from the hospital, Clare was waiting on my front step. As pleased as I was to see her, I knew I had to work hard to earn her trust again. I asked her if she'd go out on a date with me and she agreed. We spent the summer getting to know each other again, going on casual dates and talking on IM. We shared a few kisses during that time, but we really tried to take things slowly. At the end of August, I formally asked her to be my girlfriend and she told me she'd never stopped.

When we were back at school, it was a little nerve-wracking at first. I saw Fitz for the first time in months and he gave me a curt nod and walked away immediately. I did have a panic attack and had to go to the nurse for an anxiety pill, but that first week was the only time I wasn't able to shake the anxiety on my own.

Once we were back at school, the amount of pressure I was dealing with increased and I was worried about how that would affect my time with Clare. At the suggestion of my therapists, we had come up with a system that worked for us. Friday nights were date nights, so we'd go out to dinner together or see a movie or hang out at one of our homes, though some weekends we'd start with family dinner at my house or with one of her parents. Her Dad and I had developed a pretty good relationship though her Mom was still hesitant.

We spent two hours most Saturday afternoons working on my room, and at night we'd usually hang out with friends: the Dot with Alli, movies with Adam, Sav's band's shows at the University of Toronto campus bar with the whole group. Usually we'd hang out together but sometimes I'd go to a show with Adam while Clare and Alli slept over at Jenna's. Sundays were reserved for church for Clare and family for me.

My Grade 11 status meant that Clare and I had four classes together, so hanging out at school was both easy and fun. We typically spent one afternoon a week together, depending on how busy we were. Clare had taken over as yearbook editor and she was trying to support Jenna by helping her watch baby Alex occasionally so Jenna could keep up with her schoolwork. I was doing some after-school tutoring to try and make myself look good on my college applications and I was seeing Dr. Loughner weekly.

We didn't go on as many urban adventures as we used to since my license was suspended and Morty didn't survive the accident. I was definitely looking forward to Clare's birthday in March so she could chauffeur me around. Her Dad had told her he was going to get her a car for her birthday, probably since he felt so guilty for the divorce.

"You gonna help me or are you just going to stand there and daydream about me?" Clare laughed, still pushing the vacuum around.

"You look good like that," I said. "Makes me think of you doing this on a regular basis in the far away future."

I knew it was a little weird that I was thinking about our future together in terms of marriage, but Clare and I had gotten to the point where we knew we had something special. It wasn't a high school relationship; it was deeper. If we had made it through near-death experiences, intense grief, parental divorce and dysfunction, sexual abuse, hoarding, drug abuse and a tiny incident of accidental infidelity, I couldn't imaging anything could ever come between us.

"Uh huh. Don't get used to it. I'm not your maid."

I wrapped my arms around her from behind. "Don't worry, Clare. I'll do the laundry and I'll cook if you'll vacuum and do the dishes."

She grinned. "Well, that doesn't sound so bad."

I nipped at her neck. "And just think of all the baby-making we'll get to do once we're old and married and we finish all those boring chores."

She pushed me away. "I don't think you should be joking about baby-making with your 16-year-old virginal girlfriend."

Her tone told me she wasn't really mad and I pulled her back into my arms. "Just kidding."

"Besides…we're gonna start having sex a long time before we actually want it to produce a baby," she muttered with her voice lowered just enough that I wasn't sure she was actually talking to me.

"Really?" That was news to me.

Clare blushed and turned the vacuum back on. I sat down on the bed while she went over a dark spot a few times.

"I don't think this is ever going to come out."

"My parents promised me if I got my room clean they'd let me redecorate."

"So you can get a black carpet to match the walls?"

"The walls are technically a dark gray."

"Like you can tell." She flopped down onto the bed next to me. "Ready to tackle the last pile?"

"I can think of something else I'd like to tackle."

I jumped on top of her and she squealed as I tickled her sides, straddling her waist so she couldn't get away.

"Eli, stop," she giggled, trying to grab my hands.

"You know you should really close the door before you start up with the foreplay," Bullfrog said, leaning against the doorframe and looking at us in amusement.

Clare blushed. She had spent enough time with my parents that their comments didn't embarrass her quite as much as they used to, but I knew she'd never feel comfortable joking with them about our sex life.

I, on the other hand, had no problem with it. "Well, then close the door and let us get to it."

Clare made a face and pushed me off of her.

"Your mom and I are going out for dinner and ice cream. You guys want us to bring you back anything?"

I looked at Clare and she shook her head. "No, that's okay. We've got plans."

Bullfrog smirked. "I'll bet you do." He closed the door behind him and Clare covered her fact with her hands.

"He's going to think we're having sex," she moaned, though it wasn't the sexy kind of moan I loved to get out of her.

"No, he's not." She gave me a look of disbelief. "He and I…well…we've talked about it. He knows we're waiting."

Bullfrog and I had gotten a lot closer since I got home from the hospital. He had told me more about his own battle with substance abuse – in his case, cocaine, which was pretty unavoidable in the music scene in the 80s. His advice on how he had kicked the habit and stayed off drugs for 20 years really helped me, though his addiction was more physical and mine was more psychological.

For the first time, I had opened up to him about my relationship with Clare, and he seemed to finally understand how we had a relationship that was about more than just sex. He apparently didn't find that until he was a lot older than I am now, when he met my mother, though I didn't like to think about that too much.

He did think it was crazy that I was willing to wait until marriage for her, but he understood that I had to respect her beliefs if I wanted to be with her. And he and Cece absolutely loved Clare to the point where I was pretty sure they had started planning the wedding.

She leaned over to kiss me. "One more pile, Eli."

We sat cross-legged on the floor next to an open container to put the stuff I needed to keep and Clare held a garbage bag. Fortunately there weren't many items in the pile that caused controversy. My 9th grade yearbook was a keeper. A pair of boxers that had holes in it was garbage. Clare dug underneath the pile of old records I was currently assessing and pulled out my locked box.

"What's in this?" she asked suspiciously.

"What's the matter? Don't trust me?" I teased. But the look on her face was dead serious. Shit. "Clare, there's nothing in there that's bad."

She bit her lip. "Can you open it for me?"

Over the past few months we had learned to trust each other again, but I guessed that only went so far when you were dating a recovering addict. Her look of concern didn't abate even a little as I dragged my desk chair over to my closet and retrieved the key that was still attached to my stuffed bear.

I handed her the key and she opened up the box. It contained a pile of sealed envelopes. She picked one up and felt it, but it clearly only contained a piece of paper.

She looked at me expectantly. "I used to hide my pills in this box. It was empty by the time I went to rehab since I ran out. When I was there, I had a lot of free time. So I wrote a lot of letters. I sent some of them to you or to Adam and even one to Julia's parents. But these were the ones I wrote to myself, so that if I ever feel like I'm going to relapse, I can read these and try to talk myself out of it."

Clare had a tear in her eye as she lifted up the pile. There were over 20 different letters stacked in the box. She noticed the bottom letter was unsealed. Her eyes asked the question. "When I first went back to school."

"You didn't…?"

"The letter talked me out of it. You can read it if you want."

She closed her eyes. "I trust you." She placed the stack back inside and locked the box. "Why did you hide your pills? I mean, I know why you were hiding your drug use once you were abusing them. But when you first got the prescription, why didn't you tell me?"

I put the key back in its hiding place and knelt down next to her. "I don't have a good reason for it. I was a little embarrassed, maybe. A little afraid of scaring you off."

She rolled her eyes. "As if you ever could." She reached for a dented old Altoids tin that was filled with old gum wrappers and threw it in the garbage bag. "You know, I kept all of those letters you wrote me," she said. "They really helped me get through our time apart." I pulled her into a hug.

"Let's just focus on this pile. We're almost done."

We kept going with the sorting and fortunately the next thing we found was an old Halloween mask that freaked Clare out. I pulled it on and chased her around the room and the heavy moment was broken. The mask went into the garbage and Clare turned on some music on my laptop and we sang along and kept sorting and soon the last pile was separated. Most of it was in the garbage, but a few important mementos were saved.

"I can't believe we're done," Clare said as she collapsed onto the bed.

I lay down next to her and grinned. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure between the shelves and the closet and the twenty tubs of stuff that needs a second round of cuts, we'll be working on this room until graduation."

She smiled. "I don't mind."

We shared a brief kiss and not for the first time, I was reminded how lucky I was to have her.

"I was going to suggest that we do something special to celebrate but we have a big event to celebrate next week, don't we?" I said. Our one year anniversary was rapidly approaching and I wanted to do something for her that we'd never forget. I had never had a one year anniversary before and I was so proud that in spite of the innumerable odds against us, we'd not only stayed together but come out happier and stronger together than ever before.

Clare blushed. "What are we going to do?"

"Anything you want."

Her face turned even redder. "Well, I was thinking of maybe…sleeping over Alli's."

My face fell momentarily until I realized what she meant by that. "You mean, telling your parents you're staying over Alli's…and staying with me?"

"Would that be okay with you?"

"That would be the most okay thing I've ever heard." My cheeks practically hurt I was grinning so hard.

She looked a little uncomfortable and I wrapped my arms around her. "Just because you're staying over, doesn't mean anything has to happen. Well, that's not true. I do expect you to spend some time giving me your sweet, sweet kisses."

She smiled. "Well, what if I do want something to happen?"

I blinked up at her in surprise. Since September, we'd spent many date nights in various stages of undress, reaching the physical acts we'd experienced before and crossing a few new boundaries. But aside from a few murmured "I want you"s in the heat of passion, she had never indicated that she might be changing her mind on the purity ring front. I was pretty sure she wouldn't be making that big of a deal over the stuff that came before that though. "What do you mean by that?"

She crawled up my body until I was lying back on the bed and she was on top of me. "I'm just saying that we're in love and we've been together a long time and that I don't want to wait anymore."

She kissed me but I had one more question to ask. "So you're saying that you're sure…and you're ready…and that you want to make love to me on our anniversary?"

"Yes." My mouth met her throat and she moaned. "I want to make love to you on our anniversary…for the second time."

My eyes shot up and I pushed up on her shoulders lightly so I could see her face, which had the added bonus of pushing her hips into her my clothed cock. "Clare," I whimpered.

"I've wanted you for so long. I can't wait any longer."

Though my heart was racing and I wanted nothing more than to get inside of her immediately, we took things slow. Our lips danced, our tongues caressed and our fingers stroked. Clothes were peeled off until Clare was lying on top off me, all pink skin and softness. She rocked against me, lacking the caution she usually displayed as my cock nestled against her clit.

I stilled her hips. "If you're going to do that, we need a condom."

Her breath was warm on my neck. "I'm on the pill."

Wow. "You've been planning," I said breathlessly, willing myself to calm down so I didn't take her before she was ready.

"I have been. You should see what I'm going to wear for you next week."

My head fell back against the pillow. "Are you sure you don't want to wait until then? I don't want to rush you. I want this to be special."

"Just being with you is special, Eli. I love you."

She stole my breath with another kiss, but then she reached down and placed me at her entrance.

"Are you sure you want to be on top?"

"Eli," she said. "Stop talking."

I let her take the lead as she slowly sank down on me, cringing at the pain of the intrusion. "Are you okay?" I whispered.

"Shhh."

I had never had sex without a condom before and my eyes rolled back into my head at the feeling of her wet tightness surrounding me. She moved slowly and gently over me and I tried to control my thrusts so that I didn't hurt her. My hands skimmed all over her naked body: thighs, breasts and hips.

I knew I wasn't going to last long, not this first time with her, not after going so long without it, and I tried my best to last but once she got more comfortable, she sped up and her hips came down against mine more harshly as she sucked on the sensitive area behind my ear. I came with a loan moan, moving against her harder than ever before.

She smiled shyly and sat up as if she was going to get off of me, but I held her in place. "We're not done yet."

She kept moving over me and it kept me hard enough to keep thrusting into her as I stroked both her clit and her nipple. Her moans were increasing and it was such a turn on that I was starting to wonder if it was possible for a guy to come twice in one shot.

"Ohh, Eli," she moaned, and she held herself up over me as her body arched and her legs twitched. I took her breast into my mouth and increased the pace of both my thrusts and my finger and she shuddered over me with a frenzied cry.

She collapsed into my arms and we stayed joined for a few minutes. I whispered into her ear every possible romantic cliché about how beautiful she was and how much I loved her and she sighed into my hair.

"This wasn't what I expected at all," Clare said.

I gave her a panicked look and she just shook her head. "I thought it would be awkward and painful…but it was sweet and romantic and sexy and I can't even believe how good you made this for me."

I nestled my face in her neck. "So it didn't hurt that much?"

"Just a little at first. But you were very gentle. And it felt _really_ good at the end." She shifted her weight a little bit and winced. "I am a little sore though."

I helped her slip off of me and she laughed. "I wasn't expecting it to be so messy."

I laughed and reached for the tissue box on my nightstand. "A condom probably would have helped with that but it wouldn't have felt nearly as good."

"Mmm, I'm glad I decided to go on the pill then."

"How long have you…?"

She blushed. "Since the end of August. I went in for my back to school check up and my doctor recommended it since I admitted I was thinking about becoming sexually active."

"Wow."

"I just wanted to wait for the right time. Until I was sure."

I trusted Clare. I knew she wouldn't do something she'd regret. But I had to be certain. "And you're sure, Clare? You're sure about the sex and the timing and you're sure about us?"

"I've never been so sure about anything in my life."

She curled up next to me and I pulled the covers over us.

I wasn't sure if I was ever going to be able to see Fitz without tensing up. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it to graduation without taking another anxiety pill, even one used properly.

But I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life loving Clare Edwards and that there was nothing more perfect than holding her in my arms.


End file.
